You wish you were Chuck Norris

Discussion in 'Politics & Religion' started by polpolik, May 3, 2006.

  1. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use
    kill you, including the room itself.

    Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

    Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more
    contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck

    Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

    Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

    If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of
    Australia for 44 minutes

    Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing
    can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

    James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon
    reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a
    so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he's not pushing his body up, he's
    the earth down.

    Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just, the Islands.

    Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

    Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

    If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

    Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

    Chuck Norris shaves with a John Deere tractor.

    Similar to a Russian nesting doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

    Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

    As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.

    Chuck Norris recently saw the movie "Brokeback Mountain" and roundhouse kicked everyone in the theatre to death. The movie wasn't the part that pissed him off, it was the fact that they didn't sell babies at the snack bar.

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

    Chuck Norris takes no prisoners, but he does take their wives.

    Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

    The only person ever to beat Chuck Norris in a arm wrestling match was God. Although we all know Chuck let him win.

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.

    Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

    If you can think of a swear word, chances are Chuck Norris invented it while in bed with your mother.
  2. mrmarket would crush Chuck Norris

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  3. Did you get those from Mancow? I've heard some great 'Chuck Norris facts' on his show, such as:

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    Chuck Norris doesn't pay his taxes. He just mails the IRS a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack.
  4. no, my friend sent me this today and i was in tears laughing. There's one of Jack Bauer's too which is pretty funny.
  5. Jawbreaker's were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris's fists.
  6. Kel108


  7. Chuck Norris's sperm is so verile that it taveled back in time and impregnated his own mother... Only Chuck Norris could father Chuck Norris.

    When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool, he dosent get wet. The pool gets Chuck Norrised.

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity... Twice.

    Once, Chuck Norris traveled to Chile. Upon discovery that there was no Chili in Chile, he decided to make his own out of puppydog meat and the native childrens tears.
  8. Dustin


    Just got this email...

    CHUCK NORRIS ASSET MANAGEMENT: For those familiar w/ Chuck facts
    Chuck Norris thinks Credit Crunch is a breakfast cereal.
    Chuck Norris's subprime CDO is par bid.
    Only Chuck Norris can rollover commercial paper.
    Chuck Norris funds at Libor flat.
    Chuck Norris Asset Management is hiring and paying top dollar.
    Chuck Norris sold CFC cds at +1200 and bought it back at +350.
    Chuck Norris can borrow at the discount window.
    Chuck Norris can sell $300bln in high yield loans before lunch.
    Chuck Norris's curves are never inverted.
    Chuck Norris doesn't hedge. He waits.
    And the best... Chuck Norris doesn't mark to market. The market
    marks to chuck
  9. Strutter


    you are so cool. who says accountants aren't funny
    #10     Sep 7, 2007