The Top 14 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

Discussion in 'Politics & Religion' started by bigarrow, Dec 15, 2009.

  1. THE TOP 14 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE (author unknown)

    * Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
    * Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
    * Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses -- Exodus 2:16-21)
    * Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz -- Ruth 4:5-10)
    * Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites -- Judges 21:19-25)
    * Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam -- Genesis 2:19-24)
    * Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob -- Genesis 29:15-30)
    * Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David -- 1 Samuel 18:27)
    * Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain -- Genesis 4:16-17)
    * Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus -- Esther 2:3-4)
    * When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Samson -- Judges 14:1-3)
    * Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David -- 2 Samuel 11)
    * Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) (Onana and Boaz -- Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
    * Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon -- 1 Kings 11:1-3)

  2. Do not throw your pearl before swine (big arrow).

  3. Well isnt that pretty much what everyone in america does now? How many women in the US are virgins before they get married? None, because its illegal to get married at 13.

    I really dont know how some of you can differentiate between a prostitute and a woman that has had sex with 20 different boyfriends. To me, its the exact same thing.

  4. peilthetraveler, you think ALLgirls should be virgin before they marry? So if that is what happens, then ALL the boys are virgins too before they marry because no girls to have sex with.
  5. ha. you forgot this one. just go out and grab a woman and rape her. then she has to marry you:
    Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NLT)
    If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.
  6. this peils ideal world:
    22:20 But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
    22:21 Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.
  7. "and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die":

    "so shalt thou put evil away from among you."



    stone to death = good

  8. Nowdays, we'd call her [relatively] "chaste".. a real catch.
  9. I can't take credit for the list, thought it was funny so I posted it here.
  10. Wallet


    Let's see, if everyone abstained from premarital sex and remained faithful i.e. monogamous marriage it would eliminate STD's, unwanted pregnancy, adultery, many divorces.... just to name a few positive side effects. Scoff all you want but there is no down side to the above, but as most here believe that man is nothing more than an animal, by all means screw away to your hearts content, as you believe there are NO moral consequences.
    #10     Dec 15, 2009