This is from the list of "The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2011" posted online by Ian Murphy on 1 February 2012. Most of it is on the mark and funny as hell. 49) Harold Camping Crimes: To hype his May 21st Judgment Day, the frog-voiced preaching mummy rented over 1,200 billboards, all of which Jesus totally missed. It wouldnât matter if this guy was just masturbating under his âEnd is Nighâ sandwich board, like a respectable doomsayer, but every time he âpredictsâ the rapture, many of his 200,000 benighted listeners max-out their credit cards for his $72 million Family Radio, and some lunatic slashes her childrenâs throats, so they wonât have to suffer through the tribulation. Smoking Gun: In this May 19th BEAST interview with Camping you can hear a vacuum cleaner â because nothing says you sincerely believe the END OF THE WORLD is two days away, and not an obvious scam to bilk your followers, like keeping up on housework. Sentence: Deathbed conversion to Scientology, posthumously baptized by Mormons, savings bequeathed to a charity chosen by Ricky Gervais. 48) Christopher Hitchens Crimes: First dead atheist to inspire such hagiographic dreck since Mother Teresa. Born British, died unmistakably American, having been so wooed by the âWar on Terrorâ that he was sworn in by then-DHS head Michael Chertoff. He was a pompous misogynist and warmonger who, above all else, loved the sound of his own voice. He palled around with comb-licking goon Paul Wolfowitz, advocated for Bushâs reelection, and clung to his scotch-soaked end that Saddam Hussein possessed WMDs. With his undoubtedly elegant prose, Hitch provided more support to Islamophobes than a Loweâs 2 x 4. Smoking Gun: âPrison conditions at Abu Ghraib have improved markedly and dramatically since the arrival of Coalition troops in Baghdad.â Sentence: Remembered accurately. 47) Tim Tebow Crimes: Throwing motion gives false hope of NFL stardom to children with MS. Inspired the most nauseating trend of the year in âTebowing.â Showered by idiots with feckless praise of leadership and morality because his game simply doesnât warrant the same. As a spokesperson for the hate group Focus on the Family, abstinence advocate, and known teammate kisser, Tebowâs likely just another self-loathing homosexual. And heâs sanctimonious as hell for a guy who works exclusively on the Sabbath. Smoking Gun: âFirst and foremost Iâd have to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.â Sentence: Raped by a Ben-Roethlisberger lookalike, forced to abort the baby. 46) Sam Brownback Crimes: #heblowsalot. When not attempting to destroy teenage girls on Twitter, the petulant Kansas Governor enjoys enacting anti-choice legislation, crushing arts programs through executive order, spending time with The Family, hating the gay, and taking moronic walks on the beach with Rick Perry and God. Smoking Gun: Heâs the Governor of Kansas. Sentence: Former Governor of Kansas. 45) Megyn Kelly Crimes: Looks so much like sheâs about to unhinge her jaw and toss back a few still-squealing rats that she lends plausibility to the ravings of David Ickes. Whether terrifying Flyover-Americans with the New Black Panther Party, or demonizing UC-Davis protesters, Kellyâs venom is designated solely for those outside of her income bracket and race. Decries âthe welfare state,â yet thinks the U.S. government should mandate paid maternity leave â because it could potentially one day affect her personally. Her entire ânewsâ career is based on exploiting the same myopic selfishness of Foxâs demographic of old white idiots who want to have sex with her. Smoking Gun: â[Pepper spray's] a food product, essentially.â Sentence: All meals prepared by Lt. John Pike. 43) Bill Adair Crimes: Oft scolded by conservatives for being too accurate, the Politifact editor sought to remedy its suspected bias with their aptly titled âLie of the Year,â which was that âRepublicans voted to end Medicare.â In the same way that calling a hamburger a cow is accurate, claiming that Paul Ryanâs Medicare-privatizing âPath to Prosperityâ would not end the program hangs on the thinnest of linguistic technicalities (an objectively far bigger lie is Ryanâs claim that his plan would âsave Medicareâ). Adairâs curious choice for Lie of the Year was based in part on an online poll, which was unduly influenced by Paul Ryan himself. So plagued by phony âbalance,â Politifact almost never calls out conservatives who deny evolution. Smoking Gun: In his response to the inevitable outcry, Adair defends his âobjective journalismâ by quoting two anecdotal strawmen. Sentence: Next time he orders a hamburger, a ketchup-coated steer comes charging out of the kitchen and tramples him. 41) Sarah Palin Crimes: Will not go away. So desperate for attention that she mounted the âOne Nationâ media circus bus tour/family vacation, trolling the press and stalking Republican candidates from state to state. Owes her entire rise to national prominence to the fact that Weekly Standard schmuck Bill Kristol met her on an Alaskan cruise and wanted to bang her. A quitter clinging to the last threads of relevance, Palinâs greatest contribution to society last year was to organize a protest against Barack Obamaâs âRoad to Ruinâ that suggested people drive to their local highways and pull off onto the shoulder ... for some reason. Smoking Gun: âHe who warned uh, the British that they werenât gonna be takinâ away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makinâ sure as heâs riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.â Sentence: Tapped by Romney for VP, inevitable loss, conciliatory hunting trip, tongue bitten off by wolves. 40) Anthony Weiner Crimes: Doesnât know how to properly Tweet, lie, tell the truth, or even philander. Weiner represents everything thatâs wrong with the Democratic Party: the craven inability to act and the pathetic ability to fold under pressure. With one errant keystroke, he bestowed upon Andrew Breitbart a wholly unfounded air of credibility. And, you know, obsessively tweeting cock-pics to women he didnât know. Smoking Gun: âYou know, I canât say with certitude.â Sentence: Andrew Breitbartâs wholly unfounded air of credibility. 38) Andrew Breitbart Crimes: A true propagandist for the ultra-wealthy, the manâs mouth shares both proximity and substantive resemblance to the Koch brothersâ assholes. After lucking into Weinergate and bizarrely co-opting the congressmanâs press conference, Andy spent the remainder of the year engaging in drunken spats with Sam Seder on Twitter, ineptly smearing the 99% movement, and sweating profusely like a disheveled pig on amphetamines. Smoking Gun: In a totally proportional response to being called a closet-case, he challenged a conservative Boston crowd to murder his detractors: âWe outnumber [liberals] and we have the guns!â Sentence: Treated for narcissistic personality disorder by Dr. Conrad Murray. 36) Frank Luntz Crimes: His only ideology being unbridled greed, Luntz would market kitten leukemia if the price was right. Naturally, the people with that kind of cash are typically global warming deniers, crooked politicians, and Wall Street scum. As we saw last year, Luntz spoke at a Republican Governors Association meeting in Florida, helping them craft an arsenal of disingenuous language to dampen the rhetorical resonance of Occupy Wall Street â like conflating âgovernment spendingâ with âwaste.â Luntz has been known to lie outright, as he did during the â08 primary season when he conducted focus groups in different states that featured the same âundecided voter.â Having been a coauthor of the â94 âContract with America,â heâs friends with Newt Gingrich, and unashamed of it. Smoking Gun: âIâm so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. Iâm frightened to death.â Sentence: Shot in the head with a teargas canister.
34) Michele Bachmann Crimes: Protecting America from the gays by marrying them. Setting feminism back a few waves, not because sheâs an idiot, which she is, but because sheâs a biblical literalist whoâs openly subservient to her âgay-repairingâ husband. From confusing John Wayne with John Wayne Gacy to insisting that the Founding Fathers fought to end slavery to botching the locales of prominent Civil War battles, the description âgaffe machineâ is, for Michele, woefully inadequate. Sheâs a bald hypocrite, who was an IRS lawyer and the recipient of farm subsidies, and yet carved out her politically backward niche by railing against taxes and government spending. A conspicuous troglodyte who says she was ordered to run for president by God, Bachmannâs to be counted among the more prominent reasons why when Americans travel abroad they say theyâre Canadian. Smoking Gun: âI will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Florida, after the debate. She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter.â Sentence: Cervical cancer. 32) Herman Cain Crimes: The first ever book tour to run for president, the âblack walnutâ demonstrated beyond any reasonable doubt that heâs incompetent at absolutely everything save for Islamophobia, lobbying on behalf of the disgusting pizza/lung cancer industry, counting to the number 9, ripping off Pokémon, and sexually harassing scores of women who are the approximate height of his wife â whose ignorance of his infidelity he pointed to as proof of his innocence. Blamed the poor for being poor while ostensibly running against the failed economic policies that made them poor. Smoking Gun: âIf you donât have a job and you are not rich, blame yourself!â Sentence: President of Uzbecki-becki-becki-stan-stan. 31) Newt Gingrich Crimes: Polygamous, aggressive when threatened, and insulated by a thick layer of blubber, Newt Gingrich is the walrus of American politics â if walruses were pandering dissemblers who masked their rank hypocrisy with sneering condescension. After cheating on and then leaving his first wife in the cancer ward, while proposing an open marriage to his multiple-sclerosis-suffering second wife (because, hey, he was already rutting a young House staffer with no eyelids), Newt led the charge to impeach Clinton for his lack of âfamily values.â And compared to his record as Speaker, his personal life seems ethical by contrast. Newt fancies himself as the âbig ideasâ candidate. So far, these big ideas include an $800,000 campaign website, buying fake Twitter followers, a half-million dollar Tiffanyâs debt, making children work as janitors, overt racism, pretending that lobbyists are historians, and this just in: making the moon the 51st state of the Union. Smoking Gun: âThereâs no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.â Sentence: Charred by an explosion on the set of Transformers 4. 30) Alex Jones Crimes: The popularity of Jonesâs conspiracy theory website and radio show is a testament to Americaâs failed education system. Worse than exclusively reporting utter nonsense, Jones has the exasperating habit of mixing real stories â like the NDAA â with ridiculous bits about interdimensional âclockworkâ elves that commune with and instruct New World Order puppeteers via hallucinogens. The sad result is that when the MSM ignores an important news item â like the NDAA â and itâs picked up by the belligerent Jones, most sane consumers of internet news feel justified in thinking that it must be complete bullshit. Smoking Gun: âYou just canât make this stuff up!â Sentence: Jones, Lyndon LaRouche, and the Pope walk into a bar, the building collapses and crushes them all. 29) Peter Haller Crimes: Who? Maybe you remember the do-nothing SEC employee turned Goldman Sachsâ SEC-lobbying VP as Peter Simonyi. Probably not. In a revolving door masterstroke, he took his motherâs maiden name after he quit Goldman, so when he signed up to work for Chairman Darrel Issa on the toothless House Oversight Committee to block banking regulations no one would notice. Smoking Gun: He claims that he changed his name to honor his Transylvanian heritage. Sentence: Staked through the heart. 28) The Waltons Crimes: In an apparent attempt to goad the 99% movement to incorporate guillotines into their repertoire, just 6 of the Wal-Mart fortune heirs are worth as much as the bottom 30% of all Americans combined. As is the case with the Waltons, this vast economic inequality can only be attained through theft and villainy â outsourcing labor to Chinese slaves, union crushing, hiring illegals, fighting minimum wage increases, child labor violations, taking out life insurance policies on its low-level workers, and every other poverty-creating racket short of paying employees in Wal-Bucks. Smoking Gun: I bought a heating pad there and it broke in a day. Sentence: That guillotine thing sounded about right. 27) Paul Ryan Crimes: Like some free-market wunderkind born of Ayn Randâs ass, and raised in a Heritage Foundation Skinner Box, Ryanâs subservience to wealth and contempt for society is prodigious. The Wisconsin Congressmanâs an utter charlatan â yesterdayâs Wall Street bailout cheerleader posing as todayâs âfiscally responsible adultâ â whose mission to destroy the middle class is so brazen that it gives kleptocracy a bad name. I mean, when Newt Gingrich denounces you for âright-wing social engineering,â you know youâve gone too far. Smoking Gun: âThe reason I got involved in public service, by and large, if I had to credit one thinker, one person, it would be Ayn Rand.â Sentence: Follows Roadmap to Americaâs Future, turns right at Path to Prosperity, falls off cliff, breaks legs. 26) Rick Santorum Crimes: So far in the closet, heâs standing next to your dadâs stack of vintage Playboys. Seriously. Not only does this guy conflate homosexuality with bestiality, he thinks all sex is sin unless itâs procreative. A longtime fan of watching scantily clad brutes engage in sweaty, choreographed battle (he actually lobbied for the WWF, blocking steroid screening because pro wrestlingâs not a real sport), Santorumâs politics is pure kayfabe where he plays the good sweater-vested God Boy whose duty is to wrestle evil in all its secular incarnations. In reality, however, heâs a shit-stain of biblical proportions whoâs guilty of cronyism, defrauding his constituents, screwing over veterans, and defending sexually abusive priests. Smoking Gun: âAs the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. Itâs being drawn to Iraq. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I donât want the eye to come back to the United States.â (OK, thatâs from 2006, but itâs a classic) Sentence: The Blah Plague. 25) Ayn Rand Crimes: Despite being a long-dead idiot, Rand continues to exert a mystifying control over the minds of Americaâs Social Darwinist dolts with her misanthropic âphilosophyâ of unbridled greed. Selling more copies than any other ridiculous tome, save for the Bible, Randâs ode to tautological soap opera dialogue Atlas Shrugged still plagues the nationâs pseudo-intellectual consciousness in our theaters and on our campuses. As is so often the case with the libertarian occultists, she was an incorrigible hypocrite who collected Medicare and Social Security. And, as a woman who said that a woman should never be president, I think itâs safe to say she was a total bitch. Smoking Gun: Her favorite television program was âCharlieâs Angels.â Sentence: Dug-up bones put on eBay; bidding war between Ron Paul, Paul Ryan, and Penn Jillette; proceeds used to lift dozens out of poverty. 24) Peter King Crimes: Homeland Security Committee Chairman Kingâs hearings on the imagined âradicalizationâ of American Muslims has cemented his legacy as the Post-9/11 Joseph McCarthy. His Islamic witch-hunt has simultaneously ignored and fomented the demonstrable radicalization of right-wing Christian groups. Also an apologist for the civilian-killing I.R.A., King is clearly more afraid of melanin than he is terrorism. Smoking Gun: â85% of American Muslim community leaders are an enemy living amongst us.â Sentence: Hugged by Muslims. 23) Ron Paul Crimes: More free market Muppet than man, Paulâs libertarianism is a deeply schizophrenic ideology wherein personal freedom trumps everything â especially personal freedom. Whether itâs regulating womenâs uteri under the pretense of âstateâs rights,â defending sexual harassers, or hypothetically voting against the Civil Rights Act, Paulâs positions display bewildering lack of intellectual coherence. Most grating (aside from his horrifically racist and homophobic eponymous newsletter, or that heâs a doctor who doesnât understand evolution), heâs managed to posture as an economic populist, despite the fact that his Randroid quest to eliminate government is the stuff of which oligarchies are made. But he would, like, totally legalize weed, dude. Smoking Gun: âThe notion of a rigid separation between church and state has no basis in either the text of the Constitution or the writings of our Founding Fathers.â Sentence: Separated indefinitely from âThe Precious.â
22) David Frum Crimes: As Bushâs speechwriter he gave us the âAxis of Evil,â and now he wants us to believe that, in comparison to todayâs insane Tea Party set, he represents an endangered levelheadedness of Republicans past. No, weâre sorry. Remorseful as you may feel for lying the country into a tragically pointless war, you donât get to capitalize by pitting your purported moderate pragmatism against todayâs partisan extremism which you helped catalyze with fear, deceit, and pure political cynicism â and be taken seriously! â without first penning an apologetic tome in your own blood, tattooing said tome across every inch of your naked flesh, and being forced to read it with your too-close-together-eyes every goddamn day for the rest of your scarred and dismal existence. A very sensible demand, considering. Smoking Gun: While some were quick to blame lax gun laws, Sarah Palin, or mental illness for Jared Loughnerâs Arizona death-spree, Frum had the temerity to speculate that the real cause was pot. Sentence: Found hanging in his closet, pants around his ankles, Abu Ghraib torture pic still glued to his limp semen-coated hand. 21) Frank Miller Crimes: The Stephenie Meyer of comic books, Miller has all the literary & political depth of a masturbating squirrel. His rampant Islamophobia and puerile fantasies of female gangs clad in thigh-high leather stilettos notwithstanding, Frankâs finally disabused the very thin notion that heâs not, in fact, a total retard. In a post on his Web site, he bravely defended â just like Batman would â the valiant oligarch-class from the villainous scourge of OWS by reminding us that 9/11 happened. And just when weâd all totally forgotten about it. Aggravating Factor: âThese OWS clowns can do nothing but harm America.â Sentence: Dialogue inker for Dan Clowes. 20) Steve Jobs Crimes: Got rich lifting other peopleâs ideas; got richer by melding marketing with spirituality to sell environment-destroying status symbols made by Chinese children to oblivious, cultish prigs. He was a paranoid tyrant who abused his employees, exacted totalitarian control over iPhone apps under the puritanical guise of protecting kids from teh pr0n, and he even ruled over a private Apple security force â which has actually raided peopleâs houses. Jobsâs greatest offense was his hippie idiocy. He put off surgery for nearly a year, treating his cancer with fruit juice and acupuncture. And when he finally came to his senses, he used a pittance of his horded fortune â used only on black turtlenecks and dad jeans â to buy a house in Tennessee, skipping to the front of the liver donation line. Smoking Gun: Siriâs a sexist asshole. Sentence: âI donât understand âsentenceâ. Would you like me to look that up for YOU?!â 19) Michael Bloomberg Crimes: A neo-feudal lord who bought his political power and then used his âarmyâ to put down a peasant uprising. Bloomberg touted his commitment to free speech, then under the flimsiest pretext of public health and safety he ordered his goons to clear Occupy Wall Street by force, destroy books, and ban/arrest any journalist who dared report on his authoritarian tactics. And then, likely as PR cover for the NYPDâs decade-long mission to spy on Muslims, he blew up a car to remind us how scary terrorism can be ... to cars that the NYPD blows up to remind us how scary terrorism can be. Smoking Gun: âI have my own armyâ. Sentence: Dragged out of his home in the middle of the night by hair, pepper-sprayed, punched in the face, neck pinned to ground with knee, cuffed behind back too-tightly with plastic ties, beaten with sticks, thrown into van, possessions destroyed, held for a weekend, and released of his own recognizance into a pit of vipers. 18) Rick Scott Crimes: A vampiric parasite, rivaled only by Creed for the loudest sucking sound to ever come out of Florida, Scott made his private health care fortune by bribing doctors, stealing billions from Medicare, closing hospitals, shilling homeopathic snake oil â and viciously attacking any reform that would cut into his mostly uninsured customer base. As the Tea Party-backed anti-stimulus candidate for governor, a company he partially owns collected $60 million in stimulus funds. He personally spent $73 million barely becoming governor, and then refused millions in federal health care money, so that many Floridians would still patronize his criminally awful Solantic walk-in clinics. Paid lip service to âsmall governmentâ ideals while trying to mandate expensive Big Brother drug tests for welfare recipients and state employees. The consummate Koch fiend, Scottâs MO is to cry poverty, and sell off state prisons, schools, bridges, roads, etc. to the highest bidder. Heâs so despised in Florida that his endorsement wouldâve tarnished even the reputation of American Caligula Newt Gingrich. Smoking Gun: âIâve got a quote in my office: âFirst they came for the Jews, and I wasnât a Jew so I didnât say anything...â We shouldnât be allowing candidates to attack people in business, we should be saying... âThatâs us.ââ Sentence: Scott experiences a dull ache in his leg while campaigning for reelection at a Kissimmee Wal-Mart in 2014. He visits the conveniently located in-store Solantic clinic which misdiagnoses his deep vein thrombosis as a sprain. Three days later, as he addresses a convention of gourmet mushroom growers, the blood clot reaches his lung mid-sentence and he collapses on the floor. His final words are: âI like the taste of shiitââ 15) Hank Williams Jr. Crimes: Repeatedly asked us if we were ready for some football when, in fact, he knew we were ready for some football. His fame derived solely from music industry nepotism; even Julian Lennon and Jakob Dylan seemed legitimate talents by contrast. But this year, Olâ Pube-beardâs hilariously ahistoric âFox and Friendsâ gaffe, wherein he compared Obama to Hitler, at least had the beneficent effect of removing his inane query from our national consciousness. And his musical response âKeep the Change,â imploring that Fox somehow twisted his words, is probably one of the funniest country songs ever written this side of Poeâs Law. Heâs possibly running for Senate. And he canât count to three. Smoking Gun: âThat would be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu ... Theyâre the enemy ... Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.â Sentence: A run for Senate. Please. 14) Scott Walker Crimes: With the assistance of a truculent Republican Legislature, Walkerâs forced through a mountain of draconian measures in Wisconsin thatâve made Kim Jong Il blush â slashing funding for education, healthcare and Planned Parenthood, enacting voter ID, allowing guns in the Capitol while simultaneously banning cameras and signs, and even trying to charge protesters a fee for exercising their 1st Amendment rights to name just a few. Most egregious was his budget ârepairâ bill, which ended collective bargaining for the majority of public employees in the state. Not only did he fail to mention this while running for Governor, heâs since admitted that it doesnât save the state one flat dime. Walkerâs just your run-of-the-mill hypocrite and liar, decrying out-of-state money while receiving half of his donations from ... out of state. And despite all his business-friendly rhetoric that âWisconsin is Open for Business,â his policies have made the state the biggest job-loser in the nation. Smoking Gun: At the height of protests in February, when he refused to talk to the Democratic opposition, Walker took a 20-minute call from a âliberal bloggerâ posing as arch-libertarian asshole David Koch â revealing his plans to trick the self-exiled Democrats back into session, and that he thought about discrediting protesters by planting troublemakers in the crowd. Sentence: Forced back into the private sector â as David Kochâs butler. 13) Rick Perry Crimes: Heâs such a stammering cretin that he makes George W. Bush sound like a Rhodes Scholar. A deluded Christian who hates women and science unless thereâs a paycheck from Merck involved. Proving once again that everythingâs bigger in Texas, Governor Goodhairâs impudent corruption is unbound by the âsmall governmentâ rhetoric he espouses. From an auto magnate who donated $400K and got a $25 million a year subsidy to a poultry seller who gave $165K and landed a $500K grant, Perryâs major donor list reads like the state welfare rolls. In an attempt to ingratiate himself to the retarded Republican base, Perryâs ultimately comedic presidential bid began with a massive âday of fasting and prayer,â in which he enlisted the help of American Family Association hatemonger Bryan Fischer to ask God to save America from an abortion-based atheist economy. Or whatever. Smoking Gun: â[G]ays can serve openly in the military but our kids canât openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.â Sentence: Loses hair from radiation poisoning, ravaged by a troop of foxes, and ... I forget the third thing. 12) Donald Trump Crimes: Besotted by his own garish ignorance, The Donald stumbled into a depth of buffoonery last year which made Gary Busey seem respectably grounded. Like an awful P.T. Barnum with an unkempt raccoon on his head, everything from floating a presidential run, dabbling in birtherism, and trying to moderate a debate (that none of the Republicans were stupid enough to touch) was unadulterated self-promotion aimed at boosting ratings for NBCâs ode to capitalist douchebaggery âThe Apprentice.â Smoking Gun: âI have a great relationship with the blacks.â Sentence: Dipped in gold, buried in Ron Paulâs backyard.
11) John McCain Crimes: Despite being alive for most of recorded history, McCain has learned absolutely nothing from it. Along with the Democratic Senator from Michigan Carl Levin, and much to the sadistic delight of Lindsay Graham, McCain coauthored the despicable National Defense Authorization Act which codifies the federal governmentâs authority to indefinitely detain Americans whoâve been accused of terrorism without trial. You got a joke for that? Yeah, me neither. Smoking Gun: âItâs okay for us to send a Predator, and fire, and kill that person...â Sentence: Detained without trial and tortured. 10) Lamar Smith Crimes: Normally concerned with protecting Texans from the evils of melanin and marijuana, the congressman outdid himself this year by introducing the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) â the bill that would enable the feds to censor any website merely accused of copyright infringement. With staffers who moonlight as intellectual property rights lobbyists, Smith has pushed bad web legislation before. For example, his innocuously titled Protecting Children from Internet Pornographers Act of 2011 proposes that all internet users be surveilled, again, merely for being suspected of virtual-pedophilia. Yes, that means you, 4chan. Smoking Gun: The background image of Smithâs campaign website is a copyright violation. Sentence: While singing Time-Warnerâs copyrighted âHappy Birthday to Youâ at a family party, he has a stroke and falls into the cake. 9) John Boehner Crimes: A corporate shill, inside trader, and blubbering alcoholic, who in pandering to the Tea Party ascendants helped create a monster he couldnât control. As House Speaker, Boehnerâs as responsible as anyone for a year of total government impotence which saw our credit rating downgraded, pizza sauce labelled as a vegetable, and âIn God We Trustâ affirmed as the national motto. The most infuriating thing about Boehner playing âfiscally responsibleâ politics over the debt ceiling was that the debt ceiling isnât a limit on how much we can borrow, itâs a limit on how much incurred debt weâll pay back â which is like saying that the responsible thing to do is to use your credit card and not pay the bill. Smoking Gun: âWeâre legislating. Heâs campaigning. Itâs very disappointing.â Sentence: Ground up with a giant mortar and pestle, mixed with water, used to dye hunting jackets and pylons. 8) Eric Cantor Crimes: A man who makes Congressâs 5% approval rating seem confoundingly high, Cantorâs political MO is to take a dump on his adversaries and condemn them for smelling like shit. In a transparently cynical ploy to limit Barack Obama to one term, Cantor â whom the intransigent tea-bagging House freshmen laughably view as an inspirational father-figure â can be found dropping a steaming political deuce at every legislative dead-end in Washington. In the bag for every rich, science-denying, and homophobic asshole in the country, Cantorâs ideology is one not of substance, but one of vacuous ambition, which places party before progress and spurns the intelligence of every living creature in America. Smoking Gun: Through his press secretary, Cantor demanded that hurricane Irene relief should be paired to an equal amount of spending cuts. Sentence: Every dollar earned for the rest of his life balanced out by a punch to the face. 7) Jamie Dimon Crimes: It takes a special kind of asshole to helm a publicly bailed-out multinational bank â one guilty of defrauding investors, bid-rigging, bribery, and market manipulation â to a 23% market cap loss, earn an astounding $42 million doing it, and fail to grasp why people hate your thieving guts. JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon is that special kind of asshole. As a part of the stunningly obtuse nonprofit advocacy group âJob Creators Alliance,â Dimon joined his fellow embattled billionaires in denouncing the OWS âimbecilesâ who, in the words of Tom Golisano, make them want to âvomit.â He may not get why people hate his guts, but he gets that they do, which may help explain why JPMorgan Chase donated an unprecedented $4.6 million to the NYPDâs pepper spray fund. Smoking Gun: âActing like everyone whoâs been successful is bad and because youâre rich youâre bad, I donât understand it.â Sentence: Mob violence. 6) Barack Obama Crimes: A post-constitutional demagogue who ran on closing Guantanamo Bay, and ended up signing away Americansâ right to trial. But you canât blame him for it. Really. Because heâll be out of office when it begins. The guy is literally ordering flying robots to murder people throughout the Arab world â Americans even â but if you call him a fascist people think youâre in league with Glenn Beck or Lyndon LaRouche. While playing ninja assassin abroad, he takes a decidedly different tact with the terrorists at home, often folding to the whims of insane Republicans like so much origami. In too many ways, his first term may as well have been Bushâs third â with weak Wall St. regulations, an unconscionable war on medical marijuana and whistle-blowers, and total inaction on global warming. Seemingly more concerned with the rights and prosperity of those in the Middle East, his silence on the often violent OWS crackdowns was nothing short of galling. Smoking Gun: âI want to be very clear in calling upon the Egyptian authorities to refrain from any violence against peaceful protesters. The people of Egypt have rights that are universal. That includes the right to peaceful assembly and association, the right to free speech, and the ability to determine their own destiny. These are human rights. And the United States will stand up for them everywhere.â Sentence: Toothy head from Jonathan Chait. 5) Mitt Romney Crimes: The Schrödingerâs cat of American politics, Mittens is simultaneously on both sides of every issue, and no one truly knows his position until he opens his mouth. Heâs so incapable of honesty that heâs even lied about his own name. Morally dissonant, too, much of the seed money for Bain Capital â which made Mittens millions by gutting companies, killing jobs and raiding pensions â came from an El Salvadorian family that financed death squads in the â80′s, but when it came time to do business with Artisan Entertainment, Romney refused because they produce R-rated movies. But what can you expect from a guy who purports to believe that Native Americans descended from Jews and hung out with Jesus, God lives on the planet Kolob, the devil invented coffee, and underwear can be magic. And heâs so damn white he makes Justin Bieber seem like Gil Scott-Heron. Smoking Gun: âI like being able to fire people who provide services to me.â Sentence: Cut into pieces and sold off to the highest bidder. 4) Jon Corzine Crimes: As the Goldman CEO who made the firm public, Corzine scored an instant $400 million, and then spent $100 million becoming senator then governor of New Jersey. He managed the state so poorly that he floated the idea of privatizing the Turnpike, which sent New Jersey running into the fat arms of Chris Christie. Obamaâs biggest Wall Street fundraiser reentered the world of high finance in 2010 as CEO of MF Global brokerage firm, where he repeated the shady dealings that led to the â08 economic collapse â using a billion in client cash to cover insane gambles like some compulsive OTB degenerate raiding his childâs college fund. Smoking Gun: âI never intended to break any rules.â Sentence: Scrutinized by the Justice Department as though he were a Gibson guitar stuffed with medical marijuana. 3) Grover Norquist Crimes: Born with money and without decency, young Norquist got into politics as a Nixon campaign volunteer, and his filthy mitts have been picking the pockets of the poor and working class ever since. A coauthor of Gingrichâs Contract With America, and integral in designing the Bush tax cuts, Norquist is best known for his anti-tax group Americans for Tax Reform â a member of the Koch-backed American Legislative Exchange Council (which crafts corporate-friendly legislation for state reps to pass off as their own). All but two Republicans in D.C. have signed Norquistâs âTaxpayer Protection Pledge,â which binds them through implied shaming and character assassination to never raise taxes on the rich, thus ensuring a return to a better time in America when children worked in coalmines, got black lung and died hungry without whining about it. Although complicit in the illegal schemes of swine like Oliver North, Jack Abramoff, and Tom Delay, Norquistâs naked duplicity is best summed up with his take on two recent tax issues: He was fine with raising payroll taxes, which wouldâve hurt average Americans, but if Obama lets the Bush tax cuts on the wealthy expire, Norquist thinks he should be impeached. Smoking Gun: âI donât want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.â Sentence: Kidnapped by Somali pirates, drowned in a tub of his own tears.
2) Rupert Murdoch Crimes: Whoâd have thought that a country founded as a prison, and inhabited by the worldâs deadliest snakes, could produce such venomous turpitude? News Corp.âs phone-hacking scandal, wherein their Brit tabloids snooped the voice mail of celebs, royals, relatives of terrorism victims, and a missing girl (also erasing her messages and giving her family false hope that she was still alive), can safely be counted among Murdochâs least offenses as the modern-day William Randolph Hearst. In fact, itâs probably the closest thing resembling journalism his media empireâs done in some time. Back in â03 a Florida court unanimously ruled that FOX News has the legal right to lie, and, as evidenced by the profound ignorance of its viewership, theyâve since made Goebbels seem a small-time fibber â beating the drums for war, reporting innuendo and racist opinion as fact, and subverting public understanding on every basic issue from Obamaâs citizenship to man-made global warming. Fox News is no longer a propaganda arm for the Republican party; itâs the brain, fanning the flames of extremism, and exploiting white middle class prejudice to the point of economic cannibalism. And heâs ultimately responsible for subjecting you to the intolerable smarminess of Piers Morgan. Smoking Gun: âI do not accept ultimate responsibility.â Sentence: Deported to the moon for show trial, denied clemency by Moon Governor Newt Gingrich. 1) The Koch Brothers (David and Charles) Crimes: Heirs to a fortune created largely by their John-Birch-crazy fatherâs oil deals with Stalin, the putrid fruit didnât fall far from the hypocritical tree. The billionaire Kochs are still profiting from business with Americaâs enemies in Iran and, as the Tea Partyâs sugar daddies, spending big to trump reason at home. Their cash and ideology can be found lurking behind nearly every âfree marketâ think tank, anti-labor front group, global warming-denying sophist, and malfeasant politician hellbent on making the rich richer at the expense of everyone else. Perhaps the most sinister Koch-bankrolled endeavor is the American Legislative Exchange Council. As mentioned above, ALEC drafts corporate-approved legislation for state representatives to introduce as their own. These model bills primarily focus on union busting, instituting discriminatory voter ID, and privatizing every state institution imaginable. Thereâs a multi-front war being waged on the middle class in which these guys are the generals. And in a fitting tribute to the disingenuous gods of irony, Koch scaremongering over socialism and wealth redistribution is subsidized in part by the American taxpayer. Smoking Gun: âIf I called up a senator or a congressman to discuss something with them, and they heard âDavid Koch is on the line,â theyâd immediately say, âThatâs that fraud again â tell him to get lost!ââ Sentence: The plot of that Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd movie Trading Places.
Probably the dumbest post ever on ET. This kind of sliming has to actually be funny to be effective. This was not funny. It was pathetic.
Oh come on, Mr. AAA, the list hits both sides, and certainly at least some of the comments will make you smile a bit. Some fun at least. c
Brilliant. Great stuff. Some highlights for me.... Megyn Kelly Crimes: Looks so much like sheâs about to unhinge her jaw and toss back a few still-squealing rats Back in â03 a Florida court unanimously ruled that FOX News has the legal right to lie, and, as evidenced by the profound ignorance of its viewership, theyâve since made Goebbels seem a small-time fibber â beating the drums for war, reporting innuendo and racist opinion as fact, and subverting public understanding on every basic issue from Obamaâs citizenship to man-made global warming. Fox News is no longer a propaganda arm for the Republican party; itâs the brain, fanning the flames of extremism, and exploiting white middle class prejudice to the point of economic cannibalism.