Teaching the Wife to Trade

You are probably old enough to remember that old worry about " reds under the bed " being the enemy. Well it takes more braincells than Mr average can usually muster into a working group to realize that they aren't under the bed they are firmly esconced in it !
Yep after 20 years a few finally nail down the real reason for most of their problems and that is they had to go and marry the enemy.
To introduce the wife to the family legal shyster or financial broker is really asking for trouble. Keep the little lady's mind firmly fixed on the kitchen/bed problems and all may be well. Any straying into male territory is certain to lead to a disaster of huge proportions.
Physically you are probably a decrepid old wreck. Those bulging muscles no longer bulge in the right places. When the thinning hair has long gone then there are really only 3 things left
1. your scintillating conversation and needle sharp mind
2. your bulging bank balance that needs spending
3. the unavailability of anything better.

Failing all 3 then you are really in the end game

good luck and as Arnie might have said Hasta La Vista buddy

 

Who could have expected such sound marital advice on ET? Well spoke. But I do resent your crack about me being a decrepit old wreck. That really hurt. My only retort is that methinks you came by your advice the hard expensive way.

 

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch prick, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy asks.. “What’s wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch prick, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Turner Brown!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn Around!!”

 

A family brings their 65 year old Dad to a nursing home. The nurses bathe him and set him in a chair at a window.

After a while, he slowly starts to lean over sideways in his chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten him up. Again, he starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put him upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," the man replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

 

You know the two words every straight man fears to hear while standing at the urinal? "Niiiiiice dick!"

 

A 65 year old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

 

Hard-of-hearing little old man in the nursing home finally gets his hands on the little old woman. He fumbles her blouse off, struggles to get the bra off, only to see them droop flacidly all the way to her waist. She warns in a high pitched raspy squeaky voice "I think it's only fair to warn you I have acute angina!" Little old man mumbles "I certainly hope so, 'cause those tits aren't doing much for me."

 

This one from Scotland:

An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.

Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.

The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.

When the coach with the elders in had pulled away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the mans bedroom.

As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?

"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.

So the man ventured downwards.

After five minutes the man came back up.

"Any wrong?" asked the women.

"Well yes theres a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there" said the man.

"Oh" said the women. "That must be my arthritis"

"In your Vagina?" enquired the man.

"No"answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my arse!!!"
:eek:

 

Two old biddies were talking about their lives with their husbands since moving to a nursing home. They both agreed that life was good, but Ethel was rather upset because her sex life had really died.

Mildred said that her sex life was great. “The secret to great sex is this,” Mildred counseled Ethel. “When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that, he gets so excited we have wild sex the rest of the night!”
Ethel says, “I'm going to try that tonight!”

While Ethel's husband Harold is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her Harold comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, he yells, “For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!”

 

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am being admonished now for laughing so loud while others are on their phones!