Share your favorite Jokes

Discussion in 'Politics & Religion' started by aphexcoil, Sep 10, 2002.

  1. With all the tension building up over September 11, I thought it would be a good idea to share some jokes with each other.

    A foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, "How did your game go?"

    The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did OK with 16 riders. The third said, "Not too bad since I had 10 riders." The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly with only two riders. The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his gnorance just smiled and wished them better golf the next time.

    He then approached Jerry, the bartender, and asked, "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" means you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.
  3. Idiot # 1
    I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter in to the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.

    Idiot # 2
    Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.

    Idiot # 3
    A true story out of San Francisco:
    A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your money in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

    Idiot # 4
    A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!

    Idiot # 5
    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wantedon a shelf behind the counter. He told the cashier to put it in the bagas well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe youare over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. (Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)

    Idiot # 6
    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously aving
    revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. (This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.)

    Idiot #7
    Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
    (Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign )

    Idiot # 8
    Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they aren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
  4. Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

    "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to them. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph
    to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

    The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
    Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).


    (first paragraph by Rebecca)

    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
    chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

    (second paragraph by Gary)

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
    him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


    He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things round her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
    Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
    passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
    plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't
    allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"


    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
    writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.


    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of $%&/ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."








    Go drink some tea - whore.


    A+ - I really liked this one
  5. Harry dies and goes to hell.
    The Devil says, "You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how you will spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways."
    The Devil opens Door Number One, and Harry sees lots of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.
    Harry says, "No way, let's move on."
    The Devil opens Door Number Two, and Harry lots of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor.
    Harry says, "No way, let's move on."
    The Devil opens Door Number Three, and Harry sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee.
    Harry says, "I guess I'll take Door Number Three."
    The Devil says, "Okay, wait right here, and I'll get you some coffee."
    A few minutes later, Harry's drinking his coffee, and he says to himself, "This ain't so bad..."

    Then a voice comes over a loud speaker saying, "Okay, everybody back on your heads, coffee break's over."
  6. It's the late 1800's. Sister Noreen turns ninety-five, so the local doctor comes to call.

    The doctor says, "You're in pretty good health, but I suggest you take a shot of whiskey twice a day to relax."

    She says, "Oh, I could never be lured into worldly pleasures, doctor."

    The doctor tells the Mother Superior, and she says, "Don't you be worrying, doctor. Sister Noreen loves milk. I'll have the kitchen spike her milk twice a day."

    A year later, Sister Noreen is on her death bed.
    The Mother Superior says, "Sister Noreen, would you like to leave us with any words of wisdom?"

    Sister Noreen says, "Don't ever sell that fucking cow."
  7. mike tyson
  8. cactus
  9. Gordon,

    LOL -- Nintendo's "Mike Tyson's Punchout" -- before he served time for that (first) rape conviction. I doubt that was on the Nintendo version, but LOL.
  10. hehe you must have missed it. ;) do you remember on those screens between rounds you could press select, and then doc's hand would move faster? hehe it was just one of those odd things few know about.
    #10     Sep 10, 2002