resume below - willing to consider sign on bonuses in excess of 3mm tonight only. ------------------------------------------------ Mark.Brown Email: mark.brown@fauxtrader.com | Phone: (123) 867-5309 | Location: 123 Wall Street, Trading City, USA Objective: To secure a position that allows me to creatively leverage my extensive experience in losing money hand over fist in the futures market, while continually entertaining my coworkers with tales of my spectacular trading mishaps. Experience: Senior Futures Loser Global Trading Inc. January 2015 – Present Pioneered innovative ways to turn profitable trades into unmitigated disasters. Consistently achieved negative returns, setting new records in market losses. Developed advanced strategies for buying high and selling low, ensuring maximum financial hilarity. Mastered the art of stop-loss hunting—primarily my own. Provided daily comic relief by sharing my “trading insights” in the break room. Futures Trading Disaster Artist Investment Horizons LLC June 2010 – December 2014 Excelled in the use of “gut feeling” over technical analysis, resulting in unparalleled losses. Successfully turned a bull market into a personal bear market through sheer determination. Special guest speaker at company events to share the “Mark Method”: trading tips guaranteed to fail. Education: Master of Catastrophic Finance University of Bankruptcies September 2008 – May 2010 Specialized in turning bullish sentiments into bearish outcomes. Capstone project: “How to Lose Investors’ Money and Alienate Friends.” Bachelor of Misguided Economics State University September 2004 – May 2008 Focused on market theory and practical applications of financial self-destruction. Skills: Market Confusion: Exceptional ability to misinterpret market signals. Risk Creation: Proficient in transforming low-risk opportunities into high-risk gambles. Technical Anti-Analysis: Skilled in ignoring chart patterns and indicators. Liquidity Drain: Adept at ensuring my trades significantly reduce account balances. Disaster Recovery: Talented in finding new ways to justify poor trading decisions. Achievements: Awarded “Most Likely to Miss Market Trends” three years in a row. Featured in Traders Gone Wild magazine for my legendary losses. Honored with the “Golden Stop-Loss” for consistently tripping stop orders. Professional Development: Certified Financial Fool (CFF), International Society of Trading Mishaps Series None License, National Failure Association (renewed regularly, surprisingly) References upon request
That's also qualifies you to succeed biiiiigly Mr 2016/2024 when his 2nd and final term ends in 2028.
shit man, are you for real? For how long are you going to keep that carnage open? I can see the stops, but still, I feel like you shouldn't wait for it to hit them.