hi ! here's what the dubya doll probably had to say: STATEMENT BY THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCING THE APPOINTMENT OF COMEBACK KID HENRY KISSINGER TO OVERSEE 9/11 COVER-UP Press Briefing the President THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Please be seated. I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgivings. From the smell of it in here, I can tell some of you journalist faggots are still passing giblet vapors. (Laughter.) Today, I am pleased to announce my cosmetic appointment of Dr. Henry Kissinger as Chief Tattletale about those two big buildings that fell down and went boom last year. I do this despite the fact that nearly all Americans have clearly expressed their desire that I be left alone to do my job in unquestioned peace and quiet. Nevertheless, the "free press" insists I compromise the livelihoods of countless blue-eyed plutocrats by talking publicly about my doings. So here it goes: it seems that New York City didn't learn its lesson and be thankful that the rest of the country hasn't built an electric fence around that floating pebble of crybaby folk singers, dope smokers, and darkie muggers. In fact, the families of the victims of the greatest historical windfall ever bestowed upon Republican strategists have been dragging their harpy-like, Gore-voting nails across the chalkboard of public opinion, demanding I spill the beans about how much I knew about 9/11 before it even happened. At first, I tried drowning them in moolah, but no - those recession-loving commie banshees won't settle for anything short of the truth. So instead, I'm giving them the second greatest gift Germany ever gave us after beer: Dr. Henry "Strangelove" Kissinger. If there's anyone more loyal to America's will to preserve my approval ratings, it's Henry. He's part of the Harvard Mafia, which is where I got my degree in TCB. Also, not only was Nixon afraid of him, but if you slap a big rubber Jew nose on Karl Rove, well, the resemblance is really kind of spooky. They have tons in common, too. For instance - they both garroted their consciences long ago to serve the interests of a corrupt elite that is hell-bent on feeding the deluded masses foul sausages ground from the innards of the rotting carcass of American democracy. If you're living in a ranch-style house, eating a plate of Eggos and soaking in every word I say, chances are you are blessedly ignorant of American history and therefore, don't know who Henry is. God Bless you, my vacuous FOX-watching receptacles of masterfully manipulative soundbytes. As for the rest of you, you might remember Henry from such super-secret historical moments that never happened as "Pinochet, America's Favoritest Genocidal Puppet Fascist," "Deep Throating Slant-Eyed Stalinists," and "Singing in the Secret Daisy Cutter Rain (Cambodia Remix)." Those were the days, as the song goes. And so, it is with great honor that I appoint Dr. Henry Kissinger to quiet the doubting, turncoat rabble with incoherently mumbled, harmless white baritone lies. You see, what you don't know CAN and WILL hurt you. And what you unthankful, conspiratorial welfare widows and sniveling maggots who distrust my divine word don't know CAN and WILL fill your very own coffins. Got that? Good. No questions, please.
or, might have been this: PRESIDENT BUSH HAILS PASSAGE OF HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT LEGISLATION FROM THE BACKWARD NATION OF PRAGUE Statement by the President THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon, and hello from historic, dank, bubonic Prague. Today, the United States Congress has taken an important and bold step towards establishing an Orwellian Utopia by passing legislation to create the Department of Homeland Security. News of this landmark vote, which marks the Republican party's wholehearted embrace of GIGANTIC Government, has been the one bright spot during my otherwise cabbage-scented purgatory here in the Arkansas of Europe. But before anyone starts passing out cigars and federal special interest checks, let me give you an update on the NATO summit. It's been a hectic trip, but Air Force One is stocked with bologna and non-alcoholic brewskies - and we've got the Die Hard trilogy looping on all the TVs. And while it tees me off that I had to haul ass back to this stank-ass continent to fraternize with leaders from Stalin-humping armpits like Baklava, Laverneandshirlia, and the country where Roman lettuce is growed, I bit my lip, stood up in front of the NATO assembly, and read every last word that scrolled across that teleprompter. I must say that Rummy's been enjoying himself though. I can tell because his normally ashen and sallow cheeks are flush with the promise of wholesale bloodshed. He loves wearing a tux, bragging about our $300 billion defense budget, and sneaking up behind inbred diplomats and giving them wedgies so wicked that paté shoots out their noses! In short, we are gracious and humble guests. Makes you wonder why so many of these Euro-pansies are scared of the good ol' Nazi-whooping, Soviet-smacking, snail-eater-liberating US of A. I don't know what poet said it, but Europe is the type of guy who would fuck another guy in the ass and not have the common decency to give him a reach-around. I mean, these folks could really learn a thing or two from my Skull & Bones brothers. But let's get back to the good news on Homeland Security. Thanks to the passage of this stunning piece of bureaucratic largesse, The GOP will forever be able to claim that it was our happy cash-inheriting few, our merry band of royal brothers, who saved America from terrorism. Indeed - history will show that the Democrats were forever willing to sell our proud nation down the tubes to a crazed pack of religious fundamentalist Islamoids. And so today, I want to assure the American people that the passage of the Homeland Security Bill is only the beginning. Soon, it will be enacted, and thereby not only fill the coffers of my campaign contributors in the Aerospace Defense industry, but also officially change the letterhead of agencies like the Coast Card, INS, and Secret Service to "Department of Homeland Security." As for whether or not it will actually work, I have Dick, General Ridge, and Condi thinking up some way to spin the numbers so it looks effectual. That's their job. I delegated it to them. No questions. Dubya out.
hmm... with basically half the americans being overweight... gees, I hope americans can put food on the table