imho your trading too big of size for you experience or comfort level. thats why your emotions are such a mess. when (not if)one of these trades goes against you in a big way you will probably freeze up and make it worse.
When I wrote this I hadn't looked at the market since I closed my position at 1232.5. I find it amazing that my subconscious was already anticipating something that hadn't happened yet. Looking back at this post, I can actually see my emotions changing in realtime. It's obvious even to the casual observer where the break occurred. I was writing this as it was happening and as a result my change in mood was preserved undisturbed. I think that is pretty amazing. The other thing that I find amazing is that only several hours later I am already completely detached from my emotions and this situation.
I think that there may be some truth to this. However, when I try trading any smaller than this, my performance goes out the window because I can't concentrate. I need to feel that there are consequences to my trading, otherwise I am totally ineffective. As far as my position sizing goes, I gauge it off of my emotions and confidence level and make it so the consequences appear to be slightly less than severe. This has the effect of sharpening my tape reading to near precision because reading my own emotions and responses is critical to this process. I agree that an outsider would consider my emotions (discipline sometimes falls into this category as well) to be a mess, but although I am not actually in control of them, I am able to monitor them extremely effectively and accurately. The key is that I am also able to detach myself from them very rapidly, but that is another matter entirely.
i read the journal front to back. quickly, so i may have missed something, for which i apologize ahead of time. my first impression was the usual "trading too big", but now i don't think so. drawing from my own experiences and putting bluntly, it sounds like you're getting off on these emotional swings. if i had to guess, i'd say you've fairly recently had a major change in your non-trading personal life. if i'm way off base, i apologize, certainly not intending any disrespect.
I didn't start trading until 1:30 EST today. I wanted to make sure that I had overcome step 2 before I did any trading because based on how I was feeling last night I was anticipating a huge down day. Needless to say, I was relieved to see that the market had stabilized. I was even more relieved to see it was at 1234 (above yesterday's exit) when I logged in. Trade 1 (SLD 1232.5 BOT 1232) I never expected to make any money on this trade. I just felt obligated to try this trade again (I entered at yesterday's exit). I had a scalping entry, so it wasn't totally unjustified. It went to 29.5X30 before coming back up, at which point I exited because my entry offered me zero protection and also because this trade was just a test. Trade 2 (BOT 1232 SLD 1232.5) After exiting Trade 1, I watching the market to try to figure out what it was doing. I was getting mixed signals. The market action seemed really weak, but at the same time it seemed like the market was going to head higher. I tried buying at 1232, which was more or less a psychological play based on Trade 1. When I almost got stopped out on this trade, I decided to move my target to break even with my stop of 1229.5 still in place (the trade still seemed to be a good idea otherwise I would have just gotten out). Trade 3 (SLD 1233 BOT 1227.5) I wanted to make absolutely sure about this trade before I entered. I passed on several more favorable entries because I was waiting to see how it would react around 1232 since I was anticipating a move back to 1225-1220 NDX. 1232 would have represented a 6 point pullback from the nearest high, so I needed to be positive before I entered. I was tempted to enter on one occassion, but thankfully I decided to wait because the market went up 2.5 points from that entry. Finally the tape was saying the the market was about to plunge so I got in at 1233 (just in time too). I exited at 1227.5 because the market action started to make me uneasy (I felt that I would be tested and there wasn't enough time for that). At this point I felt that the risks were no longer in my favor, so I exited. Today went pretty well, all things considered. I was extremely relaxed today, and I didn't feel any pressure or tension. I think that had a lot to do with the extra mental preparation I did for today. Today's profit, while not extraordinary, is still respectable and was achieved relatively effortlessly.
I think the fact that I was receiving mixed signals prior to Trade 3 contributed to me being overly paranoid on Trade 3. Unlike yesterday, I did have a valid reason to exit this trade (my uneasiness), however my reason was derived from the wrong sources. Also, these moves have been occurring very close to the market close. I think this has had the effect of accelerating the downward momentum which is great except that I normally don't trade this time period. Therefore, subconsciously I have been looking to exit based more on the time of day rather than the market action.
Nah, seems to me Afterburner has problems accepting he isn't a paul tudor jones yet. In fact I have always been so hard on myself too. Only recently I learned to calm down and feel much better and receptive. t4s ps. when i have a great day I fall back into the illusion again sometimes
I had a feeling that today would be a range day, so I took most of the day off (I needed the rest). I had a theory about this afternoon though, so I started trading at approximately 2:30 EST. My theory was that the market would try to sell off again this afternoon (like the previous 2 days) by about 10 points. Then all of a sudden it would turn around and end with a 15 point upswing. When I started trading, the tape wasn't pointing up but it was very strong for the long direction. When the NDX sold off from 1223 to 1213 I thought that I was going to be right. I entered too early at 1215 because I thought it would be a very fast reversal and I didn't want to miss it. It went down to 12.5X13, but I wasn't worried (although I was prepared to exit if it went any lower). When it turned around and went to 20X20.5, I thought for sure I was going to be right. Then it proceeded to come back to 1216. At this point I was very disappointed, and thought that I had underestimated the resolve of the sellers. I should also note that I was trading in a very distractive environment this afternoon and that inhibited my tape reading ability. Anyway, I was running out of time and decided that I would try for it to go back to 20X20.5. I wasn't about to take a loss on this trade though, so I was prepared to exit at 1215.5 but thankfully I didn't have to. Finally I exited at 1220.5 because there was no time left and also because my theory no longer seemed entirely valid. All in all, today was decent. I had forgotten how outside distractions can interfere with my concentration. I'm still an effective trader, but it does lower my performance mainly because it increases my frustration because I can't concentrate on the tape as well. Anyway, it was still a decent day. I'm thinking that I may take tomorrow off; I just wanted to give notice so that others don't assume the worst if I don't post tomorrow.
This gave me a good chuckle. Thanks. As far as being too hard on myself is concerned, that may be true. I need to be hard on myself for maximum performance, but sometimes I can get to be too hard on myself. When I cross this fine line, then the result is counterproductive. I think I was too hard on myself at the beginning of this journal (that had the effect of really stifling my trading ability), but I'm comfortable (although not entirely pleased) with how I've been handling things lately.
Very true. I sometimes refer to it as second guessing myself, but I prefer the way you have worded it. I definitely do make the majority of my mistakes because of fear that I will do something wrong. The ironic thing is that this fear causes me to do the very thing that I was trying to avoid (making mistakes). Thanks for your observation.