Blows my weekend. By Joe Queenan April 6, 2018 10:51 a.m. ET 2 COMMENTS I was hoping that the big tax reform just signed into law would bring some fast relief by simplifying this year’s forms as well. But nope, the same old problems are rearing their ugly head. What annoys me most is that the IRS will still not accept checks of more than $100 million in payment for taxes. Form 1040 ES/V OCR, the one that self-employed individuals fill out, warns taxpayers not to send in a check of $100 million or more. This is probably because IRS pocket calculators don’t go that high. So if you owe more than $100 million in taxes, the IRS says to send in two or more checks, each for less than $100 million. Otherwise they’re going to return your check uncashed. Like a lot of self-employed people, I lose track of my income. I earn an extra $45 million here, an extra $72 million there, but I forget to write it down. Then, come Tax Day: kerpowee!! This created huge problems a couple of years ago when I unexpectedly won $365 million playing fantasy-league badminton and found myself owing more than $100 million in estimated taxes. I grudgingly sent in the check for $100 million, not knowing the new policy. The check got sent back to me, and I had to write two new checks and pay a substantial penalty for filing estimated taxes late. I swore that I wouldn’t let that happen to me again. But when I unloaded my mint condition set of Iron Butterfly LP’s on eBay, it brought in hundreds of millions of dollars in unanticipated income and once again that put me over the $100 million threshold. I didn’t realize this until 10 minutes before last year’s filing deadline. Unfortunately, I only had one check left in my checkbook, which meant that I was again going to get clobbered with a huge late-filing penalty. So I rushed down to the local Quik Mart to get two money orders, one for $98,999,999.21, the other for $1,000,000.79. But the Quik Mart guy told me that he couldn’t print a money order that large. “Why not?” I demanded. “We only get $1.25 for each money order, no matter the size,” he replied. “So there’s just no mileage in it for us. Tell you what I can do; I’ll print up a hundred money orders for a million bucks apiece. That way I can make a few clams off the deal.” I wrote the guy a check for $100 million, covering the service charge with cash. But two of the money orders got lost in the mail, and once again I got hammered with late filing fees. MORE IN MOVING TARGETS A Wonderful Future for TV of the PastMarch 29, 2018 My Electronic Devices Are Laughing at Me March 22, 2018 How I Learned to Tolerate March Madness March 15, 2018 The Promise of Cloning: Are Pets Better the Second Time Around? March 9, 2018 Sensitivity Training for Madison Avenue March 2, 2018 So here I am again, facing the same IRS policy. They still won’t take a check for $100 million. Next year, I don’t want to go through this again. The only solution is to whittle down my 2018 income so that I pay less than $100 million in taxes. I’ve started out by giving away $350 million to charities: the Red Cross, Doctors Without Borders, the New York Jets. Then I plan to write off $35 million in tips because I always get my Porsche valeted. And I’m giving back the $39 million I won when I picked Michigan to get to the Final Four. I’m also refusing the $234 million in royalties I earned off my last book, “Aw, Shucks: Why Cornfields Still Matter.” In all likelihood, that still won’t do the trick. So OK, I’ll bite the bullet and send in two checks for $50 million next year. But I’m not happy about it. With as many problems as this society has, you’d think the IRS would be tickled pink to get a check for $100 million every year. Not these guys. And then they wonder why everybody hates them.