Well you have heard the news by now. The insidious twisted system we call justice has reared her ugly snout and chomped off another out of work elder statesmen pool boy. Ok first off this fine man is now a convicted " stalker " try getting a job with that as your former occupation... " why would I be good at cold calling?... well I was a Stalker for a few years.... beautiful lass, big breasts...Uma was her name..." Ok here's the deal I love Uma too! Don't tell my wife but that first boring as period film she was in at 18 when she bared that freakin breast! I still can't get that rippling bobbing so sweet flesh out of my mind. I just want to suckle baby!!!! But that's long long ago. The truth is I saw Uma quite regularly recently at my butcher- she was just dating AND I think getting dumped by this very fey hotel heir guy or baby food heir guy randy gerber... and you know the eyes were meeting even though I'm married of course but there are just so many mildly handsome men taller than her walking around mid day stoned staring at meat... you know what I mean... I got to have something going on.. Anyway I have every reason to be on her side of this for she no longer shops meat in public...but this is about Justice. Am I guilty too? OK THE GOOD NEWS NOTY GUILTY ON TWO COUNTS OF SECOND DEGREE AGGRAVATED HARASSMENT!! Following his conviction today, Mr Jordan faces up to 90 days in jail for stalking and up to a year for aggravated harassment. His lawyer said Mr. Jordan had turned down an offer to plead guilty to aggravated harassment in return for a sentence of 18 months in inpatient psychiatric treatment, a charge that would be reduced to a violation once the treatment was completed. I don't know how but Mr Jordon developed a crush on her in the highly dressed and sucky film the âThe Adventures of Baron Munchausenâ while he was in high school. THAT's weird folks. After college, he co-founded a hiking and study abroad non-profit organization called Go Trek, although he seemed to drift away from it, focusing on bureaucratic duties like fund-raising while holding what he described as healthy jobs where he could clear his mind, like pool-cleaning. LOL. Yea and I like painting houses all those years- helps the mind. Aren't we all at some level lovesick former mental patients? Weren't we all convicted today of stalking in some way? Those thought about Jessica Alba is it just me and Mr Jordon? That line about the tingling behind the eyebrows or whatever, why does that freak everyone out so? I've used that on numerous occasions at parties... Ok I don't show up on anyones doorstep for two years but I do cross down Paulina the supermodel's block on purpose looking for her because that's another one of my secret girlfriends... I've filmed her husband a few times when I worked at Warhol and I like him a lot but talk about creepy there's a lass that really needs my man meat but not from me of course I'm married and happily so. My wife loves her too I could probably do a threesome with Paulina without breaking up the family unit at all, if I could just make that happen... and I don't send creepy love letters of course but I've browsed a couple creepy sites on the net. I guess it's all about not being too public about our loves and desires... I actually have so few girls now it's pathetic; there's a new very tall black (former) model in the penthouse of my building I've only run into her once- her legs unfolded out of the elevator like a giselle- I was shamed by her brilliance and couldn't look at her as I was shuffling around in my work out gear with my " US BOARDER PATROL " Hat. And there's my building girlfriend of course... man she's freakin hot. Just like I like em, brunette with a lot of pretty underwear I saw by accident in the laundry room....She's in makeup or something, fashion related great great great ass. . Anyway the point is this affable 37-year-old out-of-work lifeguard and pool cleaner, now faces up to a year in jail. The verdict comes after a weeklong trial that featured riveting testimony from the Academy award-nominated actress, who told the jury she was "completely freaked out" by Jordan's behavior. Listen obviously no one wants to get 20 cards from a a mental institution. But how many catalogs do we all get daily? And bill collectors? Jordan testified in his own defense, BAD MOVE DUDE! saying Friday he now understands how Thurman could have been frightened by his attempts to see her, and by the letter in which he said her two children didn't exist, that they were "an illusion," among other bizarre statements. Life's an illusion baby! It's just an illusion they made a song about this. "In a misguided way I was trying to give her an opportunity to meet me and give myself an opportunity to meet her," Jordan testified. As was I folks, as was I. "I was feeling distressed," said Jordan. "I had this feeling of longing for Ms. Thurman and I was trying to explain it. I was not trying to scare her in any way." IT's called a RACK BABY! Really nice one. She testified about a card Jordan delivered to her movie trailer in Manhattan's SoHo area where she was filming "My Super Ex-Girlfriend." It bore a drawing of an open grave, a headstone and a man standing on the edge of a razor blade. A spiral of random words referred to "chocolate, mouth, soft, kissing" and declared, "My hands should be on your body at all times." Ok lets break this down... random words, mouth soft What of: teabag massage choke early release? This is Sowhoodo or whatever that Japanese word game is.. it's word play. So many Edger Allen Poe drawings depict these very images Uma. Common! "I was completely freaked out," Thurman, 38, said of the drawing, which was on a religious confirmation card. "It was almost like a nightmare; it was scary." The defendant explained the drawing this way: "I felt I was walking on the razor's edge," Jordan said. "I felt that it reflected this relationship that I unfortunately imagined that we had. ... This cartoon was meant to amuse her, to endear me to her." WELL THAT DIDN'T WORK SCHMUCK. His feelings for her intensified, he said, after he saw her in the Quentin Tarantino-directed "Kill Bill" in 2003. Mine too. ~ stoney