In 1972 my friend, lets call him "The Analyst", and I were taking our new receptionist across the Na Dang River, when all of a sudden we were fired upon, running our jeep into the side of the road. "The Analyst" was returning fire to the enemy, while the receptionist was pinned under my purple veiner. Once all the other lot were brown bread, "The Analyst" helped me give the new bag of toot a right good roasting. Suddenly, BANG ! It was 1:30 and we had forgotten all about Durable Goods ! A sniper in a nearby tree took a pot shot at us and unfortunately the grotbag wore it ( again ! ) "The Analyst" knew at that instant what needed to be done. Do you know what it was ? Do you know what it was HE SHOUTED TO THE SNIPER THAT THE BUNDESBANK HAD CUT RATES, GOT STRAIGHT ON THE SAT PHONE AND SOLD 5000 BUNDS TO THE TRAINED KILLER WHO WAS BUYING BLIND ( on his sat phone ). We were so pleased that we had one more go ( each ) on the still lukewarm rotter and went off to bomb something. ( It was at this point that I remembered I had some spreads on and when I borrowed "The Analyst's" sat phone to get out of them I found out I was small up ) "The Analyst" ( who still gives out sound investment advice to this day ) this day thought he recognised the sniper from his Sunday school days. Hard men at work and play Bloody marvellous
Then there was the time we were in Tesco buying some crisps during a break in a highly top secret mission to capture the heavily leveraged Ted Spreader Kerry Trawley who had just bought a holiday home in Afghanistan to be near his new office. Kabul's branch of Tesco doesn't have the full range unlike "Da Metro" in Bishopsgate and the guv was highly displeased to find that they didn't stock his favourite pickled onion flavour. 3 assistants and an under-manager soon littered the floor - victims of the guvs bare hands and his un-relenting quest for consumer confidence ( ! ). I thought we'd better scarper a bit lively as a few rag-heads I recognised from Morepoxygraduates.com, the company run by fearless Mujahedin warlord Aled Ba Ba Schneidbossum were sniffing around outside pretending to be traders. The guv was having none of it. He grabbed one of the 'spotty, plummy mouthed fresh out of uni never done a days work in your life ponced off daddy all these years and now you think you're Tudor-Jones' cunts by the scruff of his neck. The grad twat didn't even see it coming. "Please sir - I only trade on the simulator" he squealed as the guv signalled to me to launch into a stream of jokes about the mug's mum - a tried and tested interrogation technique that gets anyone talking ( that's how we caught Saddam by the way but that's another story ) Anyway, the guv is not bothered by the wannabe's whimpers"Listen you little douchebag - tell me where Kerry Trawley is or I'll cut your tiny bollocks off you poncey twit" The grad shat his sheet ( or whatever it is they wear ) "Please sir - I really don't know. All I am interested in is the Ted..." He didn't even get the last word out. TWACK !! The guv dropped him quicker then the bund after a durable goods revision. "Fucking Ted Spreaders" growled the guv "Even Ossama has given up airline stocks for that shit" The junior twats accomplices had all since legged it once they saw the guv in action - no doubt to report to their taskmasters that we were in town and that we were bloody hard bastards. And to hide their crisps. We cleared Kabul in less than 3 hours. Grenades, dynamite, bullets, balloons - we used the lot. Silly ol' me managed to blow one of my fingers off ( that's the across office hand signals done for ) but the guv replaced it with one from a local ( not the red jacket wearing kind ). Only trouble with it was the colour - brown. Never mind - just looks like I'm wearing a one fingered glove all the time. Tracking Kerry down was nigh on impossible and I hate to admit we had to leave Kabul for Iraq without sight nor sound of him. ( Basra T Metro does the pickled onion by the way) We didn't leave without incident though. One night we stumbled upon the highly secretive trading room run by Ossama Bid Ted Spread. We really did stumble - 10 pints of beater does that to a man ! Suddenly we found ourselves surrounded by Bid's traders - all evil looking and posied up to the hilt. "Ha ha" he said through his beard "Now I have the famous analyst where I want him. You will work for me bitch boy and make me lots of money so I can hijack things" The guv, not as cunted as I was, took stock of the situation. In one quick as a flash movement his arm had shot one way, his leg the other and all Bid's traders were dead. The next move was directed at Bid himself. Do you know what he did ? Do you ? SET FIRE TO BIDS BEARD, GRABBED HIS SAT PHONE AND BOUGHT 20000 BUNDS THEN TOLD THEM HE HAD CAPTURED BID TED SPREAD ! Ossama was so surprised that he fell to the floor. Deads. We didn't tell anyone until the guv had sold all his bunds. Hard men at work and play Bloody marvellous
I remember it well Bill. The guv bagged a few didn't he. Sure it was spelt Kathmandu when we were there though. Ah happy memories. Bloody marvellous
The guv'nor had it right off over GDP - fucking millions. Did it all over the sat phone as well ( his load I mean ) Hard men at work and play Bloody marvellous