For some reason, I decided to look for the details of my first ever live trade to share it on Twitter (you can check it out HERE). As you do when going through old documents/photos etc. I started to stop and read... I saw 4 binders, rammed full of charts...some printed in colour, others black and white. Endless notes, doodles, calculations. I saw the receipt for the first seminar that I took on the day of my 26th birthday on the 11th of August 2006. £1600 for 3 days! I looked at the info they taught us and laughed and cringed at the same time. I looked at the letter of complaint I wrote to my bank when this same company reached into my bank account and took an additional, unauthorized, £500 as "pre-payment" for the advanced course that I had only expressed an interest in. Flights to Florida for mentorship at $900/day (I did three days) with a lady who claimed to trade but conviently had broken internet access even though I could access her Wi-Fi with my Laptop. Jobs that I left (and replaced with not so nice agency work) just so I could trade the market open. Did I say charts?? Charts, charts and more charts! Then there are the video journals. Literally 100's of GBs of video journals. Daily...weekly...monthly recaps. Oftentimes chasing my tail in a useless, but dogged, pursuit of trading success. Then I saw my medical folder with all the health problems I developed whilst trying to climb this mountain called trading. High blood pressure...aldosteronism...eye-strain...insomnia. I was so determined, I sometimes spent 16 hours a day, practicing, studying. Replay on NinjaTrader. Painstaking, manual backtesting before. Endless self-talk and introspective study. Then I laughed at the mistakes - how could I expect to make money trading 50-100 shares with a $3K account whilst paying $32 in commissions?!?! Trying to scalp the gbp/jpy (and other minors) with their huge 5,6,7 tick spreads....with a 10 tick stop!!! Taking out a £20K ($40K at the time) loan and hoping to trade it well enough, 1.5 years into my journey, to not only pay the monthly installment for the loan...but also to "live" off of....embarassingly naive to say the least.... I look at the young, determined, budding trader I was back then. FULL of optimism, living in London with a career as a professional chef... Then I look at the battle-hardened, not-so-young, 37 year-old father that has turned the corner. There are a whole host of other life challenges that, together with (or perhaps "because of"..?) the treacherous journey towards profitability, have left me feeling beaten, tired and *almost* apathetic towards the very real skill that I now have that I fought so hard to attain. I feel a sense of deep sadness, almost mourning, for the fact that my trading has become truly mundane. I have routines written on rich text files. I have spreadsheets and scorecards. I make videos capturing my trading and/or recapping the day that I keep privately in the cloud. I spend less time than ever trading and keeping records and yet I'm more profitable than ever. Today was my 13th winning trading day in-a-row (with the average winning day STILL larger than the average losing day) and yet I truly don't care. The plan is in place...I just do a job. I can't even be bothered to showboat on You Tube anymore! I've got lots of other, everyday things to do outside of the 2 hours a day I spend trading... Can anyone else relate? The excitement of the battle to make it to CP (consistent profitability) is over....and now there is just silence. Weirdest feeling ever.