Letterman's Top 10 on Cheney

Discussion in 'Politics & Religion' started by ZZZzzzzzzz, Feb 14, 2006.

  1. Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses

    10. "Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm"

    9. "Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page"

    8. "Not enough Jim Beam"

    7. "Trying to stop the spread of bird flu"

    6. "I love to shoot people"

    5. "Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter"

    4. "I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me"

    3. "Excuse? I hit him, didn't I?"

    2. "Until Democrats approve medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly"

    1. "Made a bet with Gretzky's wife"
     
  2. Duck! Here come the Dick Cheney jokes

    By Seattle Times news services

    Once it became clear that Texas lawyer Harry Whittington would survive getting accidentally sprayed with birdshot by Vice President Dick Cheney, the incident became instant fodder for headline writers and comedians.

    "Daily Show" host Jon Stewart, speaking as a "concerned parent," urged viewers never to let their children go on hunting trips with the vice president. "I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulation they're trying to get lifted. It's just not worth it."

    Stewart offered a little historical perspective, noting that Whittington was the first person shot by a vice president since Alexander Hamilton.

    "Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering," Stewart said. "Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

    NBC's Jay Leno devoted most of his "Tonight Show" monologue to the accident.

    "I guess the guy is going to be OK," Leno said. "When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. ... When people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent."

    Democratic staffers on Capitol Hill circulated a quote from President Bush, in a 2000 interview with the Houston Chronicle, in which he hailed Cheney as "somebody who is going to shoot straight with the American people."

    "Bush-Quail '06," cracked Democratic strategist Jenny Backus.

    "The CIA assured Cheney that Harry Whittington was actually a pheasant," added Democratic speechwriter Jeff Nussbaum.

    Not to be outdone, conservative radio broadcaster Rush Limbaugh offered this joke on his show Monday: "Would you rather go hunting with Dick Cheney or riding in a car over a bridge with Ted Kennedy?" (The punch line: At least Cheney takes you to the hospital.)

    Limbaugh then criticized the media for covering "one of the dumbest stories ever."

    While the U.S. press has been mostly restrained in its coverage (a notable exception: The Philadelphia Daily News ran a photo of Cheney holding a rifle under the headline "Deadeye Dick"), foreign newspapers had a field day.

    The Herald in Scotland declared, "Cheney Bags a Lawyer," while the Sydney Morning Herald headlined its story "Cheney Hunts Quail and the World Ducks."

    How someone would react might break along the lines of red states and blue states, especially in such politically divisive times. But it also might just be funny.

    "You start with a person in a position of power and authority who screws up, that's funny," explained Lawrence Mintz, a professor and director of the Art Gliner Center for Humor Studies at the University of Maryland.

    "That he's a Republican who strongly supports gun rights and the National Rifle Association, that adds another layer of humor. There is also the humorous irony that if the situation were reversed — that if Whittington had accidentally shot Cheney — then the Secret Service would've plugged him. You've got plenty of ironies making it a humorous incident.

    "It's funny even if you like Cheney," Mintz said. "But it's funnier if you don't."
     
  3. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz,
    ya are a wiseman.
     
  4. Arnie

    Arnie

    That's one of the funniest top tens ever! LOL
     
  5. Agree, it's awesome :)
     
  6. PYP funny.

    :p
     
  7. FredBloggs

    FredBloggs Guest

    lol - he cant get bin-laden, but he got a lawyer. does that deserve a medal?


    maybe they were arguing over some crack - or who had the best sneakers.
     
  8. This is all potentially about to get a whole lot more serious. Apparently, the victim, Whittington, has some bird shot lodged in his heart, which indicates that this was something considerably more serious than a "minor" hunting accident.

    And, if Whittington dies, you can practically count on a charge of negligent homicide against Cheney, which means resigantion from office or impeachment.

    Moral: Short Haliburton.
     
  9. War will stop when young men cease taking up arms for old men who can't shoot straight anymore.

    JohnnyK
     
  10. Bill Maher
    Bio
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    02.13.2006
    Cheney's Shooting Spree (119 comments )
    READ MORE: Dick Cheney, Supreme Court

    "Keep going, we'll come back for him later, he's fine."

    "Um. Sir. Mr. Vice President, he's kinda just laying there."

    "Shhhhhh!!!! He's a lawyer. You want him to sue?...Harry? You OK? Harry? See? He's fine. This is just part of the administration's new tort reform package."

    "Sir, he's not moving."

    "He's just sleeping it off.
    Hand me another round. I'm going to get me some quail."

    "I think he's hurt sir. He's bleeding."

    "You think he's hurt. Are you a doctor?"

    "Yes. I'm your doctor. I travel with you all the time."

    "Ah yes. The Jew. I didn't recognize you without the rib spreader."

    "I think we need to call one of your ambulances."

    "Aw, now why do you want to go and do something like that? If Antonin hears about this he won't come duck hunting next time there's an important case before the Supreme Court that I need him to rule on."

    "Sir. I'm doing the best to stop the bleeding, but we're out in the middle of nowhere. No equipment. No sanitation. This is a far cry from George Washington University Hospital."

    "Yeah, it's more like the County Hospital right next door to it. Well, do your best."

    "I'm stanching the blood flow."

    "No you idiot. I meant do your best to make it look self-inflicted."

    TWO HOURS LATER IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM

    "There you go, a Purple Heart."

    "Thanks, Dick. Now we both have one."

    "Yeah, but yours is on the outside."
     
    #10     Feb 14, 2006