Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. ================== What do lawyers have in common with sperm? Only one in 20 million has a chance of becoming a human being. ================== Did you hear that the post office had to recall a recent stamp release? The stamps had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
When big, old George, the richest man in the village, got married again, he warned his new bride not to ever go to the left side of the stable without him. But she wouldn't listen, and that's how she met Thunderbolt, George's gigantic horse with the nasty temper. Thunderbolt kicked her, like he had done to most people who ever paid him a visit, and killed her on the spot. The following year, George married again, and, alas, same story, a new funeral four or five weeks later. This time, the priest of the village could not hold back: "My son," he said to George, "I noticed that after the service, when people approached you to express their condolences, every time a woman was speaking to you, you would move your head down a few times. However, every time a man was speaking to you, you would move your head left and right a few times. Same thing happened at the funerals of your other wives, God rest their souls. Wha's that all about?" "Father," George replied, "the women wish me best of luck and ask me if I want to meet their single cousins, now that I am single again, and I thank them for their good words and their thoughtfulness. The men ask me if they can borrow, rent or buy Thunderbolt, and I refuse!"
This is a true account of the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. Despite a bit of rough language at the end, or maybe because of the innocense implied, it makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house." My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those useless bastards at Home Depot ever bring us the fucking drywall."
A Little Lesson About Boys and Girls! An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!" The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!" She runs in to Mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says "Look, only boys have these and your Mom can't buy you one!!!". The next day he walks by and asks her "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
The New Neighbor's Tits One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls her husband aside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits." At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls. "I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars."
Politics This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Parrots This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem, I have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "Well what do they say?" the priest asked. "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day the lady brings the two parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her female parrots in the cage with the male parrots and the female parrots said "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, "Put your bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!
First mass A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's
Three Babies There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up. The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?" He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky." The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?" He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!" The third one said "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"
not sure if this one made its way thru... Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women Thursday, October 2, 2003 Posted: 9:19 AM EDT (1319 GMT) (AP) -- Women who perform the act of fellatio on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found. Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two. In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurance of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform. "I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act," said Dr. B.J. Sooner of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. "I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurance of breast cancer in women." The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision. "Only with regular performance will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Inserta Shafteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances." The study is reported in Friday's Journal of Medical Research. In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute. Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings. "This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases," Lictepeen said. Sooner said the research shows no increase in the risk of breast cancer in those who are, for whatever reason, not able to fellate regularly. "There's definitely fertile ground for more research. Many have stepped forward to volunteer for related research now in the planning stages," he said. Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers. The reasearch consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not. The group of women who had performed fellatio had a breast cancer rate of 1.9 percent and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4 percent. "The findings do suggest that there are other causes for breast cancer besides the absence of regular fellatio," Shafteer said. "It's a cause, not THE cause."