No, I found this on the web actually. I thought it was halarious, but I'm sorry if it offended you. If I was moderator I'd move it to a dirty jokes thread but since I gave up that title because of school responsibilities, I guess someone else will have to deal with it. However, my generation finds a lot of things funny. I didn't mean to offend anyone, but I thought they were halarious. One man's trash is another man's treasure I guess.
This joke is best told with a practiced, deliberate studder. You need to feel out your audience as to how much they can take and go slightly beyond that. -- A fellow walks into a Bible shop and asks the apparent owner if he could sell some 'B-B-Bibles?' The owner wants to help out the poor stranger without hurting his own pocketbook, so he gives him 10 Bibles and says, 'see if you can sell these son and then you can come back.' 5 Minutes later the man returns saying, 'mm... mmm... sold 'em all, s-s-sir.' The Bible store says alright, not bad, and gives the boy 50 Bibles. Same result. Now the store owner is getting amazed and gives the studderer 200 Bibles. 15 minutes later he returns, money in hand, saying, "p --pp p iece o of cak cake." The owner asks the studderer how in god's name he accomplished this feat. "W-well I went to the the old folks home. And and I I sa sa said you can bb b b uy this bible or I can read it to you." p.s. My rhino is ready to run. Hey Cathy!
At my age, the only sex we have is oral. Sigh. As my hubby and I pass in the hallway, we yell fuck you at each other. :eek:
Sheesh, you sure have a dirty mind. Well I guess I have to spell everything out explicitly else you might interpret it in your own filthy manner. http://www.rhinorobotics.com/access2.html
Yo Momma Jokes for the Upwardly Mobile Your mother's flatulence is so ferocious, she could power a luxury zeppelin! Your mother is so neurotic, she throws dinner parties for the voices in her head! Your mother is so bipolar, she can circumnavigate the earth without leaving her wheelchair! Your mother's face-lift is so taut, she gets lipstick on her earrings!
THE COWS DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. In the process, they raise other people's taxes and build a bigger, and better, bureaucracy. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you. SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. REPUBLICAN You have two thousand cows. Your neighbor has none. So? He's a democrat, for God's sake! COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up and you sell out and retire rich. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch with vin. Life is good (tres bon.) JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are way above average - actually at the very top of their class at cow school, until the Nikkei drops to 4 and everybody in other countries become suspicious of that stupid old myth. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also form a union and demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are, neither do you care. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch with vino. Life is good (multi bene.) RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You drink more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The local Mafia wannabe thug, former KGB interrogator, shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed while attempting to milk them, over and over again. No one thinks there's a problem. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Many insist they voted for ex Vice President Bore. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one. NEW YORK CORPORATION You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some ugly cow from Arkansas. (OOPS!)
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. "Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "Interesting" replied the boy. "What position did she play?
Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. Interviewer: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base" ? General Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting "..... Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it..."? General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range"..... Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children "....? General Reinwald: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm "..... Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers"..... General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you "....? .....the radio went silent and the interview ended !!!!
There was a cat and a rooster, and they were walking down the street. The cat was the most beautiful cat in the world. All of a sudden it stepped in a puddle and got wet. The rooster started laughing, and even more roosters started going by the cat. The moral of this story: Wherever there's a beautiful wet pussy, the cocks will come.