Two high powered senators are duking it out again on the Senate floor, and the voices are becoming more shrill with every angry exchange: "YOU ARE A LIAR, LIAR LIAR!" bellows one of them, voice trembling with irritation, fists raised ominously... and immediately gets this response: "YES, BUT LET ME SPEAK, HEAR ME OUT!!!!!!"
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and say's, "There's nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results...back?
Where Do Redheaded Babies Come From? After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months" "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "it's rust."
Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender gimme 10 shots vodka..the bartender does so and the guy leaves thereafter. The next night same guy comes in asks for 10 shots scotch, takes his shots and then goes home. The third night guy comes in and asks for 10 shots of yagermeister . bartender again does so and he leaves. On the fourth night the guy comes in and says gimme 10 shots of anything but yagermiester. The bartender puzzled says : hey buddy every time you come in here you get 10 shots of something and go home , how come tonight you cant have yagermeister? The guy responds well last night after I left I went home and blew chunks..,Bartender says well 10 shots of anything there is a chance your gonna url. The guy says no you donât understand Chunks is my dog.
They're back - Darwin Awards!! Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners for 2003. The 2003 Darwin Award Winners: 1. When his .38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked... And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved... . 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer ...$15. 7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled: "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!" 8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of polycarbonate. The whole event was caught on videotape. 9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID to which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had...
Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible. But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Fallout, do your stuff." Fallout got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive. The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have at it". Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an e-mail, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow. Then the men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, boy." At which point Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, sexually assaulted the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for six-months sick leave.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a John Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a John Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a John Kerry fan, and my Dad's a John Kerry fan, so I'm a John Kerry fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
Recently, the two finalists in the famous TV challenge game in England were an Irish Catholic priest and a rather uneducated Australian shepherd. Since they are tied for victory, the games announcer decided that they be given 5 minutes to come up with a poem - and the one with the best poem (judging from the applause that would follow) would be the winner. The special requirement was that the poem should contain the word "Timbuktu" somewhere. OK, the bell rings, the two contestants bend their heads and start scribbling words on a piece of paper, the music plays suggestively, the 5 minutes pass and the audience focuses on the two poems: The priest gets the coin toss and reads first: "I was a father all my life have no children, no wife I read the Bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu." The audience loved the poem and applauded heartily... congratulations and smiles everywhere... people are getting ready to leave: how can the boob on the other side of the table beat that? The Australian scratches his head and reads his poem out loud, with that characteristic "down under" accent in full force: "Tim and I to Brisbane went met three women, cheap to rent but they were three and we were two... so I booked one and Tim booked two!!!"
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, made of plastic, and is dangerous for children to play with. The other one holds groceries. How do you know when Michael Jackson has a hot date? There's tricycle in his driveway. Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Boy Scout duties? He was up to a pack a day. And finally.... The pope said if there is one more molestation allegation against Michael Jackson, he would have no choice but to make him a priest.