I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... She called me to get my phone number. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said... "Concentrate." She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. She tried to drown a fish. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. She tripped over a cordless phone. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. She studied for a blood test. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, She moved. when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice Instead. when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
A Girls first time As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heavenâs gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter. Jimmy: âHow did you get here?â Johnny: âHypothermia. You?â Jimmy: âYou wonât believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack.â Johnny: âOh man, Geez, if you'd checked the walk-in freezer weâd both be alive!â
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In! all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and theTwins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers ! !
I think we all had had this experience! lol An Ode to Customer Service by Jim Sterne I have a little problem, so I call you on the phone I'm given numbered options - to punch them each by tone. After hitting number 7, then 2, 8, 6 and pound A short recording tells me that no operators can be found. They're busy helping others and would I hold this once? Because my call is SO important. What am I? A dunce? My call's not so important that I'll spend an hour on hold, While my shoulder aches, my patience bakes and my coffee grows green mold. Nothing your recording says can cause me to believe That my call will be taken in the order it was received. So down I put the telephone and up I pick the modem To find solutions on your site, and once found, download 'em. I calmly wait while DNS looks up your URL Until your server answers your home page front door bell. I wait for frames to paint themselves, my solution to begin. And then I wait for plug-ins so I can see your logo spin. I wait to get an audio file - greetings from your CEO He doesn't get the Internet, but he loves the radio. I wait until a picture of your building is on my screen And I realize there are things that should not be heard nor seen. Finally, there's a menu and I poise my mouse to click... But first, a Java applet! "Starting Java." I know that won't be quick. The menu choices indicate you know yourselves full well. You know all about your company and that's what you want to tell. But where's the button I can push, that takes me to the page That solves my problem? Feels my pain? And soothes my mounting rage? There, in the lower corner, down by the copyright There's a little tiny icon that looks as if it might Be a link to customer service. My troubles soon will quit! I click upon it and I get... a 404... Oh, sugar. And when I finally reach that page that promises relief. I'm staring at a document that's far beyond belief. For where there should be answers to frequently asked questions And online help and knowledge-bases, is naught but indigestion. For there in type italics, underlined and bold Is the number for your help desk phone. I should have stayed on hold.
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Minnesota. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home!!...... maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head! off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) Next time someone calls you a pig.......just smile
Nothing like a Pig enjoying itself, but, still funny. . . . . . Subject: Flying Stories Subject: Tower talk In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high.We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed." "90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.' There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause .... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" No further inquiries were heard on that frequency. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared. ------------------------------------- The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- More tower chatter: Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
Admit it fellow DIYers, we've all had one experience like these or another. Floor-sander stampede After giving our living room a fresh coat of paint, I decided to try my hand at refinishing the hardwood floors. So I rented a floor sander, an 80-lb. beast of a machine with a large rotating drum that sands the floor while you walk behind. I loaded a coarse-grit sandpaper, as recommended, and plugged in the machine. After sanding a few feet, the machine stopped. I noticed that the heavy plug had partially slipped out, so I walked over and wiggled it back in the outlet. I quickly discovered that the sander's switch was still on. The thing started up and shot across the room like the rabbit at a dog race, with me chasing it. It crashed through the wall I had just painted, leaving a hole about the size of... well, a floor sander. Even worse, my wife and daughter had been watching. They quietly left thee room. I also left the room.., to get my drywall tools. ======================= Bonus bun warmer After living with reversed hot and cold faucets on our bathtub for years, I decided to fix them. As the tub has no plumbing access, I devised a plan that didn't require breaking into any walls. I would switch the hot and cold water lines to the bathroom in the basement where I had easy access. And I would then switch the lines under the vanity so the sink faucet still worked properly. Great plan. I completed the job in less than an hour. Later that day, my wife mentioned a vague warm sensation during her last visit to the bathroom. A quick investigation uncovered the reason--hot water in the toilet! ======================= Carpet backlash When we decided to move the large TV in our rec room to another spot, I figured I could run the antenna wire through the basement and up through the floor directly beneath the set. I carefully measured from each end of the wall and then drilled up through the flooring. But I couldn't pull out the drill bit. Imagine my horror when I discovered that the drill bit had snagged one of the carpet threads and pulled it the entire length of the room, leaving a gap right down the middle. That was a tough one to live down.
The first Jewish President of the United States is being sworn into office. Behind him, on the VIP stand, a well dressed lady leans over and whispers in her neighbor's ear: "Do you see this man here in front of us with the right hand raised?" "Yes," says the other lady, "what about him?" "His brother is a doctor!"