Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. He went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. After all this time without beans, his system responded quickly and strongly: all the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "Rriiipppp!" It sounded like a diesel engine and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for almost ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I (You have been warned!) ========================== What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. ========================= What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. =========================== What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. ========================== Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. ========================== What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader. ======================== What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. =========================== Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. ============================== Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father. ================================== What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick. ================================ What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. ============================= What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. =============================== What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. =============================== What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. ================================ What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. ================================= Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. ================================ Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. ================================= What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. ================================ What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ==================================== A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. =================================== Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. ================================== What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. ===================================== What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?" ===================================== What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. ======================================= Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. ===================================== Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. ==================================== Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." =================================== Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. ==================================== What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" =================================== Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. =================================== What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. ===================================== What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. =================================== What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". ================================== How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! =================================== What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." =======================================
Dear TechSupport: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 andnoticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "G :/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create SnoringLoudly errors. CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support
Analyst recommendations: â Strong Buy â Buy Buy - Hold Hold â Sell Sell â Itâs too late. Arbitrageurs: â large traders who feed on plankton. Averaging down: - lowering the average price of entry by adding to a losing position. Averaging down should only be attempted when you are really angry at a market. Backâtesting: â the art of adjusting trading system parameters so as to ensure maximum profit in the past and zero profit in the future. Black-box system: â a trading system that is available for sale, but is so good that its rules canât be disclosed. Black-box systems are generally only available for sale because the vendors have a sense of philanthropy. Cancel-if-close: - a limit order that is cancelled if it appears likely to be hit. Some brokers do not accept cancel-if-close orders. Charting: - âjoin-the-dotsâ for adults. Central Banks: - big market players, with no stop-losses. The Bank of Thailand once bet 40% of its foreign reserves in a day. It lost. Computerised system testing: - torturing the data until it confesses. See: back-testing Contrary opinion: - the idea that when the market dumps a security, you should look to buy it. The trick appears to be to make sure that the market has finished doing the dumping, and is not just waiting for you to buy so that it can really start dumping. See: Institutional investor. Cycle analysis: - a method of analysis that allows losing trades to be organised into regular patterns. Derivatives: â securities that are identified by acronyms - CHIPS, COBRAS, LEAPS, PERQS, STEERS, TRIPS, ZEPOS â all of these things are derivatives. Unfortunately, little else is known about them. Daytrading: - an activity that takes place in between meaningful periods of employment. Dot.com bubble: - tulip-mania for the X-generation. Dow Jones Industrial Average: â a widely reported stock index that was designed in the late 11th century and has stood the test of time. Eurodollars: - U.S. Dollars, of course. False Break: â an actual break of a trendline that triggers a losing trade. False breaks confirm the usefulness of trendline analysis. Only those breaks that are false cause problems, and those breaks donât count, because they are false. Fast market: - an official market condition, during which floor brokers may scalp you with impunity. At other times, they have to be careful about it. See: slippage Figures: - market-sensitive measures of economic activity, such as âNon-Farm Payrollsâ and âDurable Goods Ordersâ, that are published every day in the U.S., much to the annoyance of players on the other side of the world, who canât get to sleep. Float (initial public offering): - stock that is offered to you because other people have turned it down. The guiding principle in relation to floats is as follows: ânever participate in a float that you are able to participate in.â Forex market: - a private casino, which is run by large international banks, mainly so that they can have some fun. Fundmental analysis: â a method of analysis that provides compelling reasons for why a stock shouldnât fall in price when it does. âFundamentally soundâ: - the condition in which an economy finds itself immediately after a stock market collapse. Gold carry trade: - in the gold carry trade, institutions called gold banks borrow gold from the central bank at the gold lease rate, which may be 1%. They can then sell this gold and invest the proceeds in Treasury Bills, which may yield 4%. The central bank keeps the gold on its books, figuring that it can trust a gold bank. Of course, the gold bank is âshortâ the gold until it pays it back, and it must take care that the gold price doesnât get away from it. This may, or may not, explain a lot about the gold market of the 1990s. Greeks, the: - Delta, Gamma, Rho, Theta and Vega. In option pricing models, the Greeks are partial derivatives that express local sensitivities. Just remember the names of about three of them, and then slip them into the conversation occasionally. No one will pick you up on it. Hedger: - a guy you canât beat when youâre playing him at futures. When a hedger loses a bet in the futures market, he makes up for it in the cash market. When a speculator loses a bet in the futures market, he really loses it. Index Funds: â funds with no sense of fun. In-house analyst: â an employee of a broking house who dresses mutton up as lamb and advertises it on special. Institutional investor: - someone who dumps a stock big-time, a day or two after youâve bought it, for no apparent reason. Live feed: - a technology that enables the instant incorporation of bad ticks into a charting program. Long Term Capital Management: - a large hedge fund, whose capital only managed to last for a short time. Lunch: â when you ring your broker on a Friday afternoon to be told heâs still at lunch, it means heâs still drinking. Market Depth: - a trading screen that shows orders queued up on both sides of a market. Unfortunately, it doesnât show the orders belonging to people who donât like to queue. Market report: - a concise explanation of why a market traded up or down. 99% of market reports are drawn from other market reports. The remainder are whimsical. Money-management: - the art of hiding trading losses from a spouse. Nonâexecutive Director: â a person whoâs job it is to fill a chair at a Board meeting, so that no chairs are empty. Option Pricing Model: - a mathematical model, that can calculate the fair price of an option. If the market price differs from the fair price, you can bet accordingly. If the market price then moves further away from the fair price, you can say: âHey, thatâs not fair!â Over-bought: â a market is considered to be in an over-bought condition when everyone else appears to have bought it, but you havenât. Personal computer: - an indispensable aid to the modern investor. Investors who are new to computers should consider the following advice: Always approach your P.C. in a confident manner. Computers can sense fear and indecision. Remember â you are in charge! You can always shut the thing down (unless youâre using Win98). Position trade: - a short-term trade that is in deficit, and will be closed out as soon as it breaks even, however long that takes. Price/Earnings Ratio: - a ratio that indicates whether the price of a stock is attractive in relation to last yearâs earnings. A low number indicates a bargain. However a low number can also indicate a lemon. If a company starts going down the tube, its stock price will appear very attractive in relation to last yearâs earnings. The P/E Ratio is a versatile indicator. Random Walk Theory: â the theory that market prices follow a random walk, much like that of a drunken sailor. The weakness of the theory lies in the fact that little scientific research has been done into drunken sailors. Rumours: - the time-honoured basis for the making of trading decisions. Rumours about stocks tend to get thicker as they are spread. Seasonal analysis: - the assumption that other people who trade Heating Oil Futures know nothing about winter. Slippage: - the difference between the price at which you expect a market order to be filled and the price at which it is actually filled. See: Orange Juice Futures. Stochastics: â a technical indicator so-named because the name sounds technical. Stop-loss: â the traderâs equivalent of a condom. Itâs something you know you should have used after itâs too late. Support/Resistance: - supposed allies that flee at the first sign of trouble. Tankan Index: - a closely watched figure, that measures the extent to which the Japanese economy is tanking. Technical analysis: â subjective analysis of the markets dressed up in a lab coat. Technical indicator: â a transformation of a price series that contains less information than the series itself. Different technical indicators throw away information in different ways. Tech wreck: - the end of the dot.com bubble. Surprisingly enough, many observers predicted the wreck accurately. As time goes on, more and more of these observers come forward. They: - the members of a powerful international conspiracy who target small, private traders in order to make their lives miserable. For instance, âthey ran the market to my stop and then turned it around.â Trading floor: - the traditional venue for the negotiation of securities, now made redundant by screen trading. Trading floors that remain open serve a valuable purpose as colorful backdrops to market reports on television. Trading genius: - a reckless spirit in a bull market. Trendline analysis: â a form of analysis that works best on a computer screen, where lines can be erased and re-drawn without trace. Zero-sum game: â a game in which the players slug it out and the broker wins.
Alternative Analyst recommendations: â Strong Buy â Hold Buy - Sell Hold â It's too late Sell â Buy.
He hasn't spoken to his wife for about a month now - he just doesn''t want to interrupt her... Their last fight was his fault: she asked "what's on TV?" and he said "dust!" Someone posted an ad: "looking for a wife." Next day he received hundreds of responses, all saying, more or less, the same thing: "you can have mine!" "My wife is an angel" said the man with a smile. "You are lucky," barked his friend, "mine is still alive!" His wife started a new diet: bananas and nuts. She hasn't lost a single pound, but you should see how easily she climbs on trees now... "I always hold my wife's hand when we go out," he said, "if I let go, she buys things!" Popular wisdom: "Why do most men die before their wives do? They choose to!"
I have a confession top make.....everyday a cut and paste your offerings onto e-mail and send it to my friends and family......and they think im a fucking genius!!!
TMT, I'm glad you do... after all, I'm sure you've heard this old saying about flattery and imitation, right? I've sent around some of these jokes too!
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested." Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I Do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson." HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day Ma'am", whispered the warden... and he left.