My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?" My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
Maybe more ironic than a joke but : Pete rose signing books in a casino. Heard it on PTI over at ESPN.
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" I did, they're in your tackle box.
Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "Comrade, the reins of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." "Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it?" says Khruschev. Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2. "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely--don't open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going badly, open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after that, if things start going REALLY badly, open the second one." And with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things started going badly--unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system, and bought himself some time that way. But things continued on the downslide--Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more, the Politburo was unhappy with Khruschev's leadership and upstarts like Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter. All it said was: "Write two letters."
Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by. The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"
... It was coming up very fast... Panicked, Oscar remembered his Catholic upbringing and called out very loud: Saint Francis help!!! Right away, a giant soft hand appeared out of nowhere and held him steady, two miles above the ground.... while a faraway voice spoke in his ear: "Do you mean Saint Francis of Assisi, or just plain Saint Francis?" Totally besides himself, Oscar gazed at the void below, grasped the hand as hard as he could and gave it a try: "Saint Francis of Assisi!!!!" "Oh, OK," the voice murmured and died in the distance, as the giant hand dissolved and disappeared in the cold air...!!"
... It was coming up very fast... Panicked, Oscar bypassed his Catholic upbringing and remembered what he had just learned at the local community college, at the class on zen buddism that was taught by that gorgeous brunette: "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!!!" he yelled out loud. Two seconds later, a giant hand appeared out of nowhere and held him steady, while a soft, faraway voice reassured him that everything would be alright. Then, slowly but firmly, the hand lowered him all the way to the ground, and tilted, ever so gently, allowing him to walk safely onto the rocky earth. Oscar was overjoyed... Full of gratitude, he looked up at the hand that had started to disappear and did what sister Marianne had taught him to do whenever something good happened to him, years ago: "Thank you Jesus, I'm saved!!!" he said with gratitude, "thanks!" The hand hesitated a bit in mid-air, and then turned and came down with tremendous force..."SPLASH!" squashing him like a bug on the rocks.
For some people, following a balanced diet means holding a cheeseburger of equal size in each hand...
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a chap below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I didn't know where he was and now I don't know where I am." The man on the ground replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a pilot," said the man in the balloon. "I am," replied the chap on the ground, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the man in the balloon, "You are "solution" oriented but not "needs" oriented. Everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The man on the ground responded, "You are obviously a manager". "I am," replied the man in the balloon, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man on the ground, "A pilot would never have taken off in the circumstances you now find yourself in. You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have only risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's not your fault."