Jokes

A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said “No, no, he no look to good.” The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, “I told you he no look to good”

 

11. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

10. Life is sexually transmitted.

9. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

5.All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

 

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator SUV for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in the winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen over. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new Vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the
burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the DOG? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.

The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.

One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but
continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to yell as they run. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.

Then --"BOOM!"-- the Navigator is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still has yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!

 

YANNIS!!!!

You rule!!!

keep em coming.....

 

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable

 

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, it's a deal. But if you get home before I do, please leave the hall lights on.

 

An old Cajun was celebrating 92 years on this
Earth. He spoke to his toes.

"Hello, der toes!" he said, "how you are, toes?
You know, you 92 today. Oh,de times we've had!
Remember when we walk along de bayou wit all dem
pretty girls every Sunday afternoon? Them times we
deaux-si-deauxed on de dance
floor wit dem same womens? Oh yeah, ahh-heeee!
Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How you are,
knees? You know you 92 today.
Oh, de times we had, huh! Remember when we march
in de crawfish parade?
Oh boy, de hurdles we jumped together, me and you.
Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch.
"Hello der Pierre! You little booger you!!

If you were alive today, you'd be 92.


********************

 

No Nursing Home For Me

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188.00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer,etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

4. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

5. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up.

6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.


7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.


9. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.


What more can you ask for? So . . .

When I reach the Golden age, I'll face it with a grin--
Just forward all my email to: me@Holiday_Inn!

 

Good brother bad brother DIE.
Bad brother goes to hell, good brother goes to heaven.
Good brother says to St. Pete at the Pearly Gates, "Can I see my brother one more time before I go to heaven?"
St. Pete says "Let me talk with the Lord."
St. Pete returns to say "Yes, the lord has granted permission for one last visit."
They arrive in Hell and there sits his bad brother on a grand throne...
With a keg of beer on one side..
And a beautiful blonde on the other.
Good brother astonished and a little put off by this sight turns to St Pete..
"What gives St Pete? All my life I've been exceptionally good and I get nothing like this in heaven..
Look at my bad brother!!"
St Pete replies, "Nothing is as it seems... That keg of beer ..it has a big hole in the bottom...
The blonde.. not the same..."

 

ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it"
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."