1. Love - When your eyes meet across a crowded room Lust - When your tongues meet across a crowded room Marriage - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room 2. Love - When intercourse is called making love Lust - When intercourse in called screwing Marriage - When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania 3. Love - When you argue over how many kids to have Lust - When you argue over who gets th e wet spot Marriage - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids 4. Love - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax Lust - When the relationship is over if you don't climax Marriage - When.... uh.... what's a climax 5. Love - When your heart flutters every time you see them Lust - When your groin twitches every time you see them Marriage - When your wallet empties every time you see them 6. Love - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel Lust - When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it Marriage - When you listen to talk radio 7. Love - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk Lust - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex Marriage - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement 8. Love - You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts Lust - You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline Marriage - You only leave the house when you're allowed
Dear Diary... For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. my wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress... Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess-with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me getting shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank. Friday: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or a vasectomy.
Ever wanted to know how the other sex experiences an orgasm? http://img.tapuz.co.il/forums/20208414.htm
This one is for kids < 10 year, my son loves it. Where do dogs go who loose their tails?? A retail store.
Pretty freakin' amazing moves: Go to http://www.kollaboration.org/ and click to see the video! (wait for the last guy...he's the best)
DAMN... Orange shirt has skills. The beatbox guy is pretty good too, but not the best I've seen. http://www.kollaboration.org/images/dj.gif
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style." The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana. Finally ending up back over in Alabama. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read any or all of the following: "I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees! Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!" The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.