A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!!!"
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" And at that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of fatty sausages and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
No mention of sexual appetite, etc. Maybe that's the difference?? English could be the culprit, never did good at it no how!
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER: 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over 6. Musical recliners 7. Simon Says something incoherent 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' name on them 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard To Find, Supportive, Comfortable and Always Close To Your Heart
Home Remedies 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache. Sometimes we just need to remember what the rules of life really are...You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. -If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. -If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right." Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to potty. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to find you a nursing home!!
One day a farmer made a bad estimate of the width of the road and as a result his donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 3.. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . . The donkey left a few days pass for the farmer to let his guard down before he came back with a vengeance and bit the shit out of the man who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the victim eventually died in agony from septic shock. This only goes to prove that with proper preparation and motivation, anything in life is possible. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON FOR THE CYNICS AMONG US: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you!
1. I will not play tug-of-war with Daddy's underwear when he's on the can. 2. I will remember the garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. 3. I will not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. 5. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. 6. I will not eat the cat's food, before, or after, he eats it. 7. I will stop trying to find new places on the carpet when I am about to throw up. 8. I will not throw up in the car. 9. I will not roll on dead things. 10. I will stop considering the cat's litter box as a cookie jar. 11. I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. 12 . I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. 13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think that I am hemorrhaging. 14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. 15. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of anyone who is sitting on the can. 16. We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark each time I hear one on the television. 17. I will not steal my Mommy's underwear out of the laundry basket and then dance all over the back yard with them. 18. I will remember the sofa is not a face towel and neither are Mommy's & Daddy's laps. 19. I will remember my head does not belong in the refrigerator. 20. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mommy's driver's license and car registration.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was not afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, he made contact: "Mary ..... Mary" "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast & off to the golf course & I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day, it starts again." "Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Tucson, Arizona."