TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS HE LIVED ALL ALONE, IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE. I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE, AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE. I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE, NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE. NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND, ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS. WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND. FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY, I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY. THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE, CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME. THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER, NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER. WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ? CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED? I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT, OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT. SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY, AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY. THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR, BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE. I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE, ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME. THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE, I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY. THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE, "SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE; I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE, MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS." THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP, I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP. I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL. I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT, THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT. THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE, WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE." ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT. "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT." This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan.
The REAL Night Before Christmas (By Parents) 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand." And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not run to the store for one single thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
These posts about Shill Trading, taken from the Pro Firms forum, remind me of the old Bill Brasky skits on Saturday Night Live. The skits featured a group of salesmen sitting around drinking and recalling past encounters with Bill Brasky, a fictional character. First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch! Do you fellas know Bill Brasky? Second Friend of Brasky: Hell yeah, I know Bill Brasky! He's a big fella, goes about 6'4", 280. He loves his Scotch! Third Friend of Brasky: He does! He's a hell of a salesman! Fourth Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky! Together: Bill Brasky!! Third: Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son? Fourth: Bill Brasky? First: He's a big fella! Second: Oh yeah, he's a big guy! Goes about 6'7", 385. Third: Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calamari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!" Fourth: And your son is blind to this day! First: Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn't he? Third: I have no idea. [ pause ] To Bill Brasky! Together: Bill Brasky!! Second: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky sold me into slavery? First: Well, if you're talking about Bill Brasky, I believe it! Second: Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Brasky, he's back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife! First: I hate Bill Brasky.. but I respect him! Guy At Bar: Are you talking about Bill Brasky? I know Bill Brasky! First: Then let me buy you a round! Third: Hey, easy, Hank, easy.. To Bill Brasky! Together: Bill Brasky!! Fourth: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter's wedding? You know my daughter; she's a beautiful girl. First: I tell you, I'd like to have sex with her! Fourth: Well, Brasky shows up.. and you know he's a big fella. Third: Goes about 7'8", 530. Fourth: Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries Brasky and me! [ the guys laugh ] Off! Off! Off! We spend the weekend in the Pocono's - he loves me like I've never been loved before! Second: Best damn salesman in the office! Together: Bill Brasky!! Third: You know how Brasky served three tours in 'Nam? Fourth: Uh-huh! Third: Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky! First: To William Robert Brasky! Second: Oh, yeah! Fourth: Hey, you ever go camping with Brasky? Third: Many times. First: I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie! Third: Debbie Brasky? First: Debbie Brasky. She's 7-years-old, goes about 3'5", 55 pounds. So, I'm in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, "I'm Bill Brasky! Say it!" Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth - "Billbrasky!" It wasn't exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer! Third: That's Bill Brasky! Together: Bill Brasky!! Fourth: I once saw him eat a whole live chicken. First: His favorite movie is "One on One" with Robby Benson. Fourth: Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw! Second: I have that tape! Guy At Bar: [ turning around ] So do I! Third: To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing! Together: Bill Brasky!! Big Booming Voice: [ from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle ] Did someone say Bill Brasky? Together: BILL BRASKY!!
First friend of Brasky: The market...the market's up eighty points. Second friend of Brasky: I'll never figure out this market. One day she's up. [pause] The next day she's up... First friend of Brasky: Hey, do you fellas know a guy by the name of Bill Brasky? Second: Yeah, I know Bill Brasky. He's a 10 foot-tall beast-man, who showers in vodka, and feeds his baby shrimp scampi. Third: Best damn trader on the floor. Second: He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith and Wesson. Third: Brasky went public with his own buttocks and made 7 million. First: To Bill Brasky. Together: Bill Brasky! First: Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky and I went hunting? Second: I masturbate to the Teletubbies. First: Anyway, Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the 'Banana Splits.' He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives except Flegal. Third: We once had a bachelor party for Bill Brasky. He ate the entire cake, before we could tell him there was a stripper in it. Second: Brasky once hosted the Grammy's and gave every award to Corey Hart. First: He has a toenail on the end of his penis. Third: Brasky got his wife pregnant and she gave birth to a delicious 16 oz. steak. Second: The afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms. First: Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong. Third: Brasky is ranked 8th in the AP College Football poll. Second: To Bill Brasky. Together: Bill Brasky! Second: Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky and I were in a production of "The King and I?" First: Every morning I crap the bed. Second: Anyway, on opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast, and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews. Third: He breastfeeds John Madden. First: Brasky made the group Sha-nah-nah. They did not want to be called that. Second: If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple it plays the Beach Boys' pet sounds. Third: They used Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium. First: Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high-heels. Second: He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom. Third: All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos. Second: Darryl Dawkins has a summer home in Brasky's groin. First: To Bill Brasky. Together: Bill Brasky! First: Hey did I ever tell you about the time Brasky taught his son how to drive? Third: I'm legally retarded. First: Anyway, Brasky taught his son how to drive by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said: it would have happened sometime. Second: Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human. First: Like the guy from Terminator 2. Third: Brasky still believes in Santa Claus and he wants to put him in porno films. Second: He thinks the Iron Man is gay. Third: HE FRAMED ROGER RABBIT! First: Brasky used to ride upon a steed for chance to spy a lady. Second: The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky except for the part about planting apple trees and not raping men. Third: He gave a hand-job to a manta ray. First: [Incoherent babble] Third: I hear ya' buddy. To Bill Brasky. Together: Bill Brasky. Big Booming Voice: I'm Bill Brasky, and I just cornered the market on booze. Who wants a drink? Together: BILL BRASKY!!
First: Have you fellas ever worked with a guy by the name of Bill Brasky? Together: Bill Brasky!? YEAH! Second: Sure have, and I'll tell you one thing. Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch. Third: Best damn salesman in the office. Fourth: You know he goes about 6' 8" 340 pounds. Second: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman's bikini around the office? Third: God, I love this story. First: And I'd love to have sex with your wife. Second: Anyway, Brasky tears off my clothes and makes me wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing a woman's bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily. But at the end of the quarter, I'll be damned if my sales hadn't tripled. Fourth: To Bill Brasky. Together: Bill Brasky! First: He goes about 7' 10", 590. Second: He'll eat a homeless person if you dare him. Fifth: Hey, are you guys talking about Bill Brasky? Together: We certainly are. Fifth: I know Bill Brasky! Second: Then let me buy you a round. Third: You fellas know about how I like to steal loose change and valuables from your houses whenever I'm over...anyway here's a Brasky story. One time I asked Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children; you know Jacob and Christina? Fourth: Sure they're dumb as rocks and they always have dirty feet. Third: Yeah, that's them, that's them. Well Brasky shows up as Santa reaches into his bag and says: I've got goodies for you kids. He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says: There is no Santa 'cause I ate him. Second: Brasky's a son of a bitch. Together: To Bill Brasky! Fourth: You know Brasky goes about 9' 8" 790 pounds. First: Oh, you know he sheds his skin once a year. Second: I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansbury. Third: Did I ever tell you about the time I went horseback riding with Brasky, but there weren't any horses around? Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well wouldn't you know it my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeders Cup, right? Under the name Turkish Delight. And I'm running in second place, and I'm running and I BREAK MY ANKLE. Together: [Laughter] Third: So anyway they're about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, God bless him, don't shoot him he's a human. Fifth: Hey, I lost money on you. Second: I like you a lot... Fifth: Hey is this guy going to hurt me? First: No he likes you. He likes you. Third: To Bill Brasky. Together: To Bill Brasky! Fourth: You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle. First: Like an alligator he can fully digest a turtle shell. Third: His favorite TV movie is The Boy in the Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta. Second: He'll gorg hullaghas then [gurgling noises]... Together: To Bill Brasky!! Big Booming Voice: Gentleman. I'm the new bartender. Who wants a cocktail? Together: BILL BRASKY!
First: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch. Second: Best damn salesman in the office. Third: To Bill Brasky. Together: To Bill Brasky! First: An 8', 2-ton monster who can palm a medicine ball. [laughter] That's what he is. Woman: Excuse me, excuse me. A lot of us have come here to watch our children. Would you please just stop drinking and yelling? Second: You got a nice caboose on you, honey. Third: Sure do. First: Yeah. Woman: You are horrible men. Second: Come on junior. If you don't catch the ball I'll put the dog to sleep. First: You're a fine father. Third: Yeah. Second: Last night I tried to kill myself again. First: So anyway, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and would walk his cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly, and he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes Brasky had to shoot the maid. Second: Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil. Third: You know it was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane. Second: He showers in grain alcohol. First: He uses a shroud of tourine as a golf towel. Second: He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident. Third: He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. First: His first name is Bill. [pause] I'm drunk. Second: He makes every woman that sleeps with him refer to him as Bear Bryant. First: He once ate the bible while water skiing. Third: Did I ever tell you he once had sex with a cigarette machine?! First: [Incoherent mumbling] You're damn right and every kid on this field was fathered by Bill Brasky. Every one of them. Second: To Bill Brasky. Together: BILL BRASKY! Fourth: Are you guys talking about Bill Brasky? Together: We certainly are. Fourth: I know Bill Brasky! First: I want to be your dear friend. Big Booming Voice: Hey everybody. This game is called on account of scotch. 'Cause Bill Brasky wants a drink. Together: BILL BRASKY!!
A dedicated Plasterer's Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00" said the Madam. Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, and hopefully, unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00." "That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then pointing to an 85 year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink. He looks her up and down and says, "Well sure, but it doesn't appear by the your appearance that you'll be able to pay for it." The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she's got, "Will this do?" she asks. The barkeep takes a look and responds, "Ya got anything smaller?"
FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES In the context of getting ready, this is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." GO AHEAD! At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Iâm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. It's so good, I just canât put it down...
Yannis - you (and Bsulli) have some of the very best posts on this page!! But, you need to at least peruse some of the others that we mere mortals dredge up (or plagiarize)!! See 12/06/03 for the 'prior copy' of Women's Translations!!! Have fun, laugh heartily and trade profitably!!