NEVER SAY TO A COP: 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
From America's Finest News Source, comes this story of yuletide cheer in war torn Baghdad: BAGHDAD, IRAQâOn almost every corner in Iraq's capital city, carolers are singing, trees are being trimmed, and shoppers are rushing home with their packagesâall under the watchful eye of U.S. troops dedicated to bringing the magic of Christmas to Iraq by force. Above: U.S. soldiers instruct an Iraqi to tell Santa what he wants for Christmas. "It's important that life in liberated Iraq get back to normal as soon as possible," said Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz at a press conference Monday. "That's why we're making sure that Iraqis have the best Christmas everâsomething they certainly wouldn't have had under Saddam Hussein's regime." To that end, 25,000 troops from the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment and 82nd Airborne Division have been deployed. Their missions include the distribution of cookies and eggnog at major Iraqi city centers, the conscription of bell-ringers from among the Iraqi citizenry, and the enforcement of a new policy in which every man, woman, and child in Baghdad pays at least one visit to 'Twas The Night... On Ice. Immediately following the press conference, high-altitude bombers began to string Christmas lights throughout the greater-Baghdad area, and Wild Weasel electronic-warfare fighter jets initiated 24-hour air patrols to broadcast Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" over the nation. Armored columns struck out from all major allied firebases to erect a Christmas tree in the town square of every city, while foot soldiers placed fully lit, heavily guarded nativity scenes in front of every Iraqi mosque. complete story: http://www.theonion.com/3949/top_story.html DS
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype woman that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general..... and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells. "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee"
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.