Jokes

PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Failed Movie Titles

Clueless in September
One Eyed Shut
Indecent Nomenclature
Terminal Speed
Awful Boys
Escape from the sewer
Dennis, the annoying kid

My favorite:

Star Conficts

 

Subject: Weapons of Math Destruction

HOT OFF THE WIRES

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles,
used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader ellipse. While I am uncertain of the following, it is clear that, as they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

 

A magician worked on a cruise ship. There was a different audience each
week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood,

the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one day after hitting an iceberg, the ship sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle

of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where the hell's the ship?"

 

From Dave Barry's Sunday, 12/14/2003 column:

"
Today on Keyboard Korner we will address a very important topic: computer security. If you own a computer, or have touched a computer, or have ever shaken hands with somebody who might have touched a computer, you need to take precautionary measures NOW. Because modern cyberspace is not the friendly, open, trusting, safe place it was back in February. Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as ''viruses,'' ''worms,'' ''Trojan horses'' and ''licensed Microsoft software'' that can take over your computer and render it useless."

for the complete column:

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/7478125.htm

DS

 

A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm and says, “I’d like a beer please, and one for the road.”

 

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both." "Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

 

WOMEN'S ENGLISH...
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need. . . = I want.
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry.
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive.
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH...
1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you.
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

 

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.


The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

 

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends approaches her, points at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition. You have reached your goal!