Jokes

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by dgabriel, Oct 14, 2002.

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  1. JWS11

    JWS11

    Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat...... He says "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and said, 'Here - try these on.'

    So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'

    I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

    "Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here try these on." She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."

    Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

    Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, "Here you try on mine."

    So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

    Karen says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you never will."

    :D
     
    #821     Dec 11, 2003
  2. Yannis

    Yannis

    While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!"

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.

    Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

    :) :) :)
     
    #822     Dec 11, 2003
  3. Bsulli

    Bsulli

    The Washington Post published a contest for readers in
    which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for
    various words.

    The following were some of the winning entries:

    Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

    Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
    have gained.

    Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
    stomach.

    Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

    Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
    absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

    Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

    Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

    Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up
    after you are run over by a steamroller.

    Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

    Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by
    a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

    Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
    Yiddish expressions.

    Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
    soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

    Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
     
    #823     Dec 12, 2003
  4. Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a
    ribbon salesman, had been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to
    Macy's for many years.

    Last week, he was making another attempt and was speaking to
    the Anti-Semitic buyer.

    "Goldstein," the buyer said, "you've been trying to sell ribbon to
    me for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me some yellow ribbon, but only enough to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis" he smirked.

    Three days later, four tractor-trailers full of yellow ribbon drove
    up to the receiving dock of Macy's. The ribbon buyer went
    ballistic. He called Goldstein and said, "I ordered yellow ribbon,
    enough to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your
    penis, and you sent me four tractor trailers full of ribbon!"

    Goldstein replied, " Yes, the tip of my penis is in Poland."
     
    #824     Dec 12, 2003
  5. Season's Greetings, Legally Revised

    Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the Western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

    This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).

    Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of same. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.
     
    #825     Dec 12, 2003
  6. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had

    great sex. I rubbed her bodyall over with olive oil, we made passionate love,
    and she screamed for 5 minutesat the end."
    The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I
    had sex, I rubbed her bodyall over with butter. We then made passionate love
    and she screamed for 15minutes."
    The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wifeand I had sex too.
    I rubbedher body all over with chicken schmaltz (rendered
    kosher chicken fat), we madelove, and she screamed for 6 hours."
    The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. Theyreplied, "What could
    you havepossibly done to make you wife scream for 6 hours?"
    "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
     
    #826     Dec 12, 2003
  7. :)
     
    #827     Dec 12, 2003
  8. Bsulli

    Bsulli

    rofl, Now that's funny!

    Good one A-T

    :D
     
    #828     Dec 12, 2003
  9. Yannis

    Yannis

    MEMORANDUM
    To: ALL EMPLOYEES
    Re: The Christmas Party (interoffice mail)
    Date: December 1, 2003

    I am happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbeque. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed up as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time; please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10.00 limit. Merry Christmas to you and yours!

    /Patty Lewis
    Human Resources Director


    December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though not this year unfortunately). However, from now on we're calling this party our "Holiday Party." The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no tree, or Christmas carols sung. Happy holidays to you and yours.

    /Patty Lewis
    Human Resources Director

    December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but please remember that if I put up a sign on the table that reads "AA ONLY," you won't be anonymous any more. In addition, we will no longer be having a gift exchange since the Union members feel that $10.00 is too much money.

    Patty Lewis
    Human Resources Director

    December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert buffet, and for pregnant employees to sit closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each group will have their own table. And,yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table! Happy now?

    Patty Lewis
    Human Resources Director

    December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    People, people!! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit'.

    Patty Lewis
    Human Resources Director

    December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    Vegetarians- I've had it with you people!! We're holding this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbeque whether you like it or not!! You can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too! They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you have a rotten holiday! DRIVE DRUNK AND DIE, YOU HEAR ME???

    The Bitch from Hell !!!!!!!

    December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon off with full pay on the 23rd.

    Terri Bishop
    Acting Human Resources Director

    :) :) :)
     
    #829     Dec 13, 2003
  10. Yannis

    Yannis

    Jewish Mother's Answering Machine
    "If you want chicken soup, press 1; If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 2; If you want varnishkas, dial 3; If you want knishes press 4; If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling."

    Last Wishes
    A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over the shopping mall. "Why the shopping mall?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

    No Pressure!
    A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

    Philanthropy
    A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer." "Never heard of him. What did he write?" "A check", replied the guide.

    Words
    A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held contention that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too much, he showed her the study results, which stated: "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, "That's because we have to repeat everything we say." The husband said, "What?"

    Divorce
    An elderly couple visited their rabbi and asked for his opinion how they should go about getting a divorce. Surprised at this request, the rabbi asked how long they had been married. "Seventy-five years," the husband answered. " And why do you want to get a divorce?" he pressed on. "We just can't stand each other," the husband explained. "But why now, why after all these years of marriage, what made you postpone this for so long?" the rabbi was still looking for a reason. "Oh," the wife said with a sad mile, "we were just waiting for the children to die!"

    Understatement
    White Cadillac, seen on the NJ Turnipike heading to NYC, Florida licence plate sporting the all familiar verb: KVETCH

    :) :) :)
     
    #830     Dec 14, 2003
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