T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works. I've busted my ass for damn near a year. Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night... The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better, Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter. They say I owe taxes if that ain't damn funny. Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days - they all are the pits. They want the impossible ...Those mean little........brats. I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads, I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them... They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM. Flying through the air...dodging the trees, Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees. I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason... I found me a redhead. I'm going SOUTH for the season! SANTA
READ THIS FIRST - THEN LOOK AT THE ATTACHMENT!!!! How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads: You need four maxis' to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc. *These slippers are * Soft and Hygienic * Non-slip grip strips on the soles *Built in deodorant feature * Keeps feet smelling fresh * No more bending over to mop up spills * Disposable and biodegradable. Environmentally safe* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light day, and Get out the Sand Bags. See the nifty slippers for yourself....
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony,he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort inched himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he moved himself toward the table, on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Just in case someone at work is being particularly thick.....Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say "I'm stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me....oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign." It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a Ridgeways truck in our driveway. Me neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?". "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes, & Here's your sign". A couple of months ago, I went fishing with a mate of mine. We pulled his boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big whiting and the rest of my catch and this idiot on the ramp goes "Hey, you catch all those fish?". "Nope, Talked 'em into giving up, & Here's your sign". I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit, and there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good....They want you to jump into this pool of sharks and you tell us it if hurts when they bite you. "Well all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it". Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my car into a gas station. The attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Ti re go flat?". I couldn't resist and I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled up on me, & Here's your sign". We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 2 hours. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then he screams "Shit, that's hot!". See, If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him. I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...ok...no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign.....until he asked "So.....is your truck stuck?". I couldn't help myself. I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No...I'm delivering a bridge, & here's your sign. I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?". I replied, "No, I left about 10 minutes ago, & Here's your sign". Anybody you know need a sign today? The next time someone says something stupid, ask them where is their sign.
A little bit of history here, probably a fact that none of you knew. Do you know what happened this week back in 1850? California became a state. The state had no electricity. The State had no money Almost everyone there spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the streets. So basically, it was just like California of today... only the women back then had real, honest to goodness tits.
A supposedly true story as told by an Art Professor from Portland: "Christmas with Louise" As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantle, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation alternating with CPR. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough autopsy to determine the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house!!