WORDS WOMEN USE ****************************** FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." GO AHEAD! At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint! Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
What's the similarity between Michael Jackson and McDonald's? They both put 40 year old meat in 10-year-old buns.
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man & worships his creator." - John Bright "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard
Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Dec. 31, 2003. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: 1. No OS problems. 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support Q. My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. What's the shortcut for Undo? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. How do I create a New Document window? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A- Sketch? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A. Pick it up and shake it. Q. How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A. Don't shake it.
You may be headed that way if: You and your teeth don't sleep together. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. Your back goes out but you stay home. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. When happy hour is a nap. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. It takes twice as long - to look half as good. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.