Mrs. Smith, I ainât got no crayons. Young man, you mean, I donât have any crayons. You donât have any crayons. We donât have any crayons. They donât have any crayons. Do you see what Iâm getting at? I think so. What happened to all the crayons?
Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through? With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Turn your speakers on and don't be offended, especially you pet lovers .... http://mings.biz/mings/Games/chowmein.swf
* WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? Because they get plugged into a genius, of course! * WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? Most of them don't have enough time... * WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? Not a single one will stop to ask for directions. * WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties. (Although I do admit, I've observed a few men engaged in this most obnoxious behavior....LOL!) * WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? You always have a rough draft before you make a final copy, right? * HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? Don't know.....it never happened. (C'mon you guys, we laugh at YOUR blonde jokes!) And my personal favorite. . . * WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!!!!
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other nnouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane." 3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
<i>received this in an e-mail, not sure if it's been posted before....if so my apologies.</i> A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a Guaranteed Weight Loss Program. "Guaranteed. Yeah Right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative if the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the forth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5- day / 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years" The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool." So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"