A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the bathroom equipment. A spokesman for the station was quoted as saying, "We have nothing to go on."
Introduction: GENERAL CONSIDERATIONS 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list. Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, You're it. 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Goose. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical recliners. Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze. 6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's. Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love"and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by police. OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. ........ etc etc etc (did I say that already?)
A middle-aged gentleman of 60 feared his girlfriend was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the gentleman could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem. Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the girlfriend is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the gentleman moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his her and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his girlfriend and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response. So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" Damn it Richard, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
I am thankful For the wife who says it's hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me, and not out with someone else. For the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars. For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes because that means she is at home, not on the streets. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed. For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends. For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine. For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means that we have freedom of speech. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation. For my huge heating bill because it means I am warm. For the lady behind me in church that sings off key because it means that I can hear. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive. And finally... for too much e-mail because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2lb. can of coffee, and a 1lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off her drunken observer as to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Q. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? A. She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. Q. How does an attorney sleep? A. First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other. Q. How many lawyer jokes are there? A. Only three. The rest are true stories. Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A. How many can you afford? Q. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company. Q. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter? A. Sue. Q. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A. Skeet. Q. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A. Senator. Q. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A. Your honor. Q. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? A. His partners. Q. What do you call 50 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A. A good start. Q. What does a lawyer use for birth control? A. His personality. Q. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? A. Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A. The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. Q. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A. Removable wing tips. Q. Why don't dangerous sharks eat lawyers? A. Professional courtesy. Q. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? A. New Jersey got first choice.
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball wrong: man with four balls not able walk. Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. War not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
A man was explaining to a friend how he managed to get home from the bar the previous night. "I was doing just fine until I turned into my driveway", he said. "And then what happened?" "Someone stepped on my hands!"
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. "What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"