Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that. 1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one inch blocks. 2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block a. synergy b. strategic fit c. core competencies d. best practice e. bottom line f. revisit g. expeditious h. to tell you the truth (or "the truth is") i. 24/7 j. out of the loop k. benchmark l. value-added m. proactive n. win-win o. think outside the box p. fast track q. result-driven r. empower (or empowerment) s. knowledge based t. at the end of the day u. touch base v. mindset w. client focus(ed) x. paradigm y. game plan z. leverage 3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases. 4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "Bullhockey!" Testimonials from satisfied "Bullhockey Bingo" players: -- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."- Adam W., Atlanta -- "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."- David T., Florida -- "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."- Dan J., New York City -- "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver -- "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'Bullhockey!' for the third time in two hours."
Q. WHAT DOES HMO STAND FOR? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE". Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of "The Three Stooges", who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye. Q. I JUST JOINED AN HMO. HOW DIFFICULT WILL IT BE TO CHOOSE THE DOCTOR I WANT? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you, but are no longer participating in the plan. But, don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just half-a-day's drive away, and a diploma from a third world country. Q. DO ALL DIAGNOSTIC PROCEDURES REQUIRE PRE-CERTIFICATION? A, No, only those you need. Q. CAN I GET COVERAGE FOR MY PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. Q. WHAT HAPPENS IF I WANT TO TRY ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF MEDICINE? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. MY PHARMACY PLAN ONLY COVERS GENERIC DRUGS, BUT I NEED THE NAME BRAND. I TRIED GENERIC MEDICATION, BUT IT GAVE ME A STOMACH ACHE. WHAT SHOULD I DO? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. WHAT IF I'M AWAY FROM HOME AND I GET SICK? A. You really shouldn't do that! Q. I THINK I NEED TO SEE A SPECIALIST, BUT MY DOCTOR INSISTS HE CAN HANDLE MY PROBLEM. CAN A GENERAL PRACTITIONER (OR HIS PHYSICIAN'S ASSISTANT, IF HE'S NOT FREE) REALLY PERFORM A HEART TRANSPLANT RIGHT IN HIS OFFICE? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot at it....... Q. WILL HEALTH CARE BE DIFFERENT IN THE NEXT CENTURY? A. No, but if you call right now, you might be able to get an appointment by then.
Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one. Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates. Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologers. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. Candidate B is Winston Churchill. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time
Jack & Jill went up the hill  To have a little fun   But stupid Jill forgot the pill    And now they have a son
Tony ON MATH A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on South Brooklyn Tony. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then South Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which South Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking." South Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH South Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, South Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a how of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on South Brooklyn Tony. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Lawyer : Are you sexually active? Witness : No, I just lie there. Lawyer : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? Witness : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Lawyer : And why did that upset you? Witness : Yes, my name is Susan. Lawyer : What is your date of birth? Witness : July fifteenth. Lawyer : What year? Witness : Every year. Lawyer : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? Witness : Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Lawyer : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? Witness : Yes. Lawyer : And in what ways does it affect your memory? Witness : I forget. Lawyer : You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Lawyer : How old is your son, the one living with you? Witness : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Lawyer : How long has he lived with you? Witness : Forty-five years. Lawyer : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Lawyer : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? Witness : Yes. Lawyer : And what were you doing at that time? Lawyer : How was your first marriage terminated? Witness : By death. Lawyer : And by whose death was it terminated? Lawyer : Can you describe the individual? Witness : He was about medium height and had a beard. Lawyer : Was this a male, or a female? Lawyer : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? Witness : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Lawyer : All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? Witness : Oral. Lawyer : Do you recall the time that you examined the body? Witness : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Lawyer : And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? Witness : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Lawyer : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Witness : No. Lawyer : Did you check for blood pressure? Witness : No. Lawyer : Did you check for breathing? Witness : No. Lawyer : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? Witness : No. Lawyer : How can you be so sure, Doctor? Witness : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Lawyer : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? Witness : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
This is one of the best running threads ever on ET. Here is a contribution from me. This was written fairly recently and thought I'd share it here. It isn't a joke, but it is touching to read. Airport Date: Sat, 1 Nov 2003 08:13:08 -0800 The writer and his wife live in LA and both work for Uncle Sam. A Day at Baltimore Airport Dear Friends and Family, I hope that you will spare me a few minutes of your time to tell you about something that I saw on Monday, October 27. I had been attending a conference in Annapolis and was coming home on Sunday. As you may recall, Los Angeles International Airport was closed on Sunday, October 26, because of the fires that affected air traffic control. Accordingly, my flight, and many others, were canceled and I wound up spending a night in Baltimore. My story begins the next day. When I went to check in at the United counter Monday morning I saw a lot of soldiers home from Iraq. Most were very young and all had on their desert camouflage uniforms. This was as change from earlier, when they had to buy civilian clothes in Kuwait to fly home. It was a visible reminder that we are in a war. It probably was pretty close to what train terminals were like in World War II. Many people were stopping the troops to talk to them, asking them questions in the Starbucks line or just saying "Welcome Home." In addition to all the flights that had been canceled on Sunday, the weather was terrible in Baltimore and the flights were backed up. So, there were a lot of unhappy people in the terminal trying to get home, but nobody that I saw gave the soldiers a bad time. By the afternoon, one plane to Denver had been delayed several hours. United personnel kept asking for volunteers to give up their seats and take another flight. They weren't getting many takers. Finally, a United spokeswoman got on the PA and said this, "Folks. As you can see, there are a lot of soldiers in the waiting area. They only have 14 days of leave and we're trying to get them where they need to go without spending any more time in an airport then they have to. We sold them all tickets, knowing we would oversell the flight. If we can, we want to get them all on this flight. We want all the soldiers to know that we respect what you're doing, we are here for you and we love you." At that, the entire terminal of cranky, tired, travel-weary people, a cross-section of America, broke into sustained and heartfelt applause. The soldiers looked surprised and very modest. Most of them just looked at their boots. Many of us were wiping away tears. And, yes, people lined up to take the later flight and all the soldiers went to Denver on that flight. That little moment made me proud to be an American, and also told me why we will win this war. If you want to send my little story on to your friends and family, feel free. This is not some urban legend. I was there, I was part of it, I saw it happen. Will Ross Administrative Judge United States Department of Defense
TOUR GUIDE TERM .....and the...... TRANSLATION Old world charm ........... No bath Tropical ..........................Rainy Majestic setting ............ A long way from town Options galore .............. Nothing is included in the itinerary Secluded hideaway ....... Impossible to find or get to Pre-registered rooms .... Already occupied Explore on your own ...... Pay for it yourself Knowledgeable trip hosts .. They've flown in an airplane before No extra fees .................. No extras Nominal fee .................... Outrageous charge Standard ........................ Sub-standard Deluxe ............................ Standard Superior ......................... One free shower cap All the amenities ............ Two free shower caps Plush ............................. Top and bottom sheets Gentle breezes ............. Occasional Gale-force winds Light and airy ................ No air conditioning Picturesque ................... Theme park nearby