At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like the personal computer industry, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. Hmmmm, maybe XOM and GE don't look so bad after all??
They say forensics doesn't work in an area where I used to live. They say the reason is that the gene pool is all the same and there are no dental records.
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?" The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years." "What was the result?" "It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells him he gets no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow, goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? he asks. Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk. Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
1. Indifference: It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesnât take any to just sit there with a dumb look in your face. 2. Limitations: Until you spread your wings, you have no idea haw far you can walk. 3. Procrastination: Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now. 4. Ineptitude: If you canât learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly. 5. Get to work: You are not paid to believe in the power of your dreams. 6. Demotivation: Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is to just fire all the unhappy people. 7. Nepotism: We promote family values here â almost as often we promote family members. 8. Consulting: If you are not a part of the solution, thereâs good money to be made in prolonging the problem. 9. Idiocy: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 10. Cluelessness: There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots. 11. Dysfunction: The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is YOU. 12. Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us. 13. Mistakes: It COULD be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others. 14. Adversity: That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable. 15. Despair: Itâs always darkest just before it goes pitch black. 16. Arrogance: The best leaders inspire by example. When thatâs not an option, brute intimidation work pretty well too. 17. Power: Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it rocks absolutely, too. 18. Elitism: itâs lonely at the top. But itâs comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom. 19. Pretension: The downside of being better than everyone else is that the people tend to assume that you are pretentious. 20. Blame: The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures. 21. Sacrifice: Your role may be thankless, but if youâre willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you. 22. Burnout: Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you. 23. Irresponsibility: No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood. 24. Success: Some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams. 25. Ambition: The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly. 26. Achievement: You can do anything you set your mind to when you have the vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor. 27. Motivation: If a pretty poster and a cute saying s all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job⦠the kind that robots will be doing soon.
For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the entire cow when you can get the milk for free, nowadays a great many women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz. of sausage it's probably not worth buying the entire pig!
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline . If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."