10. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 9. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 8. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one is seeing UFOs like they use to. 7. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 6. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 5. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? 4. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 3. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 2. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists and most of them came here legally, but they hung around on their expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster Video: you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Should we put Blockbuster in charge of homeland security?
Three old guys out walking. First one says. "Windy isn't it?" Second one says, "No its Thursday"! Third one says. "So am I. Lets go get a beer". ******************** A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." *********************** Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor:! "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful." *********************** An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another false alarm and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock a couple of years ago, it would now be worth about $49.00. With Enron, you would have about $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. Approximately. HOWEVER, If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drunk all the beer then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00. Approximately. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is a new retirement program, I call it the 401Keg.
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it? The man replies, "Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called?" Eve asked. "Brains" God said.
I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?