Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South. They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game t hey decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Yankee. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South. When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding. The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that?" The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy." Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, "What's that?" He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids." A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE." Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?" She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel. The bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin." This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded, "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be." "My second husband was from Software Services: he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation." "My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up." "My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach'." "My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver." "My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method." "My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not." "My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it." "My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it." "My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it." "My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it." "My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . . God I miss him! So now I've married you, and I'm really excited." "Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious. You're a lawyer. I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"
Skin I could not help laughing at this... When I born, I black When I grow up, I black When I go in sun, I black When I cold, I black When I scared, I black When I sick, I black And when I die, I still black. You white folks...... When you born, you pink When you grow up, you white When you go in sun, you red When you cold, you blue When you scared, you yellow When you sick, you green And when you die, you gray. So who you callin' colored?
"Ancient Chinese Proverbs" Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable toperform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witchdoctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for a year!"The guy goes home and that night, he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So he lies in bed with her and says, "1-2-3," and suddenly gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?
A man and his wife decide to visit the museum. After looking around for a while the woman suddenly says : "Honey, can you believe they make such ugly paintings ? " The man replies : "Marie, please put on your glasses and move away from that mirror."
After being married for a couple of years, John asks his wife : "Lisa, why can't you just admit you married me because I inherrited that one million dollar from my grandparents ? " His wife replied : "But John, this is not true, I really don't care who you inherrited it from..."
A millionair asks his wife : "Honey, if I would lose all my money today, would you still love me ?" "Sure" she replies, "but I will miss you."
A man comes running into his house and says to his wife : "Honey, get your suitcases, I just won the lottery" Wife : "Oh honey, what a surprise, what clothes should I pack ?" Man : "I don't give a f**k , as long as you get out of my life"