12th law of parenting 2-year old's code of possessiveness: If it's mine, it's mine. If it's yours, it's mine. If I see it, it's mine. If I pick it up, it's mine.
In honor of my daughter's 12th birthday this past weekend and who also discovered boys in the weeks leading up to said birthday. ----- Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician. 1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy scout rank? 2. Do you own or have access to a van? ____ 3. A truck with oversize tires? ____ 4. waterbed? ____ 5. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____ 6. Do you have a tattoo? ____ *If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.* 7. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you? 8. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you? 9. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? 10. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you? 11. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________ 12. How often do you attend: ____________________________ 13. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________ 14. Please fill in the blanks: If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be ____________________________ If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be ____________________________ The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________ What do you want to be IF you grow up? I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse. Signature of applicant _________________________________ Signature of father _____________________________________ Signature of mother ____________________________________ Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________ Signature of State Representative _________________________ Thank you for your interest Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you. Bsulli
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in). 1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. 5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. 6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. 7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. 8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. 9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. 10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. 14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. 16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager. 17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. 19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone. 20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. 22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. 24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer......Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, Oklahoma, and Arkansas. All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
You gotta love Texas HS football. This is true, and my nominee for Coach of the Week goes to: Russell Roark, athletic director of Rice Consolidated ISD -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- from The Journal-Spectator Rice grid coach charged with assault By Ben Sharp - A scouting trip to Whartonâs homecoming football game resulted in a police officer jumping from a moving vehicle, a police pursuit and two felony charges against the athletic director of Rice Consolidated Independent School District. Officer Randy Whitlock suffered scrapes to his forehead, elbows and knees as he hurled himself from the running board of a white Chevrolet Suburban that fled the visitors parking lot, wheels spinning and fishtailing from side to side. âI was starting to get afraid he was going to run me into the back of those parked vehicles,â Whitlock said on Monday. The vehicle was reportedly driven by Russell Roark, athletic director of Rice Consolidated ISD. Roark was arrested at his home in Garwood late Friday night. He was booked into Colorado County Jail on charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon on a police officer and felony evading arrest. He was released from jail early Saturday on $50,000 bond. Police said Roark was driving a Suburban owned by Rice Consolidated ISD. The vehicle reportedly had school markings and tax exempt tags. Three other coaches were reportedly in the vehicle with Roark. Two of them were Rice Consolidated coaches. Police identified them as Mark Pustejovsky and Donald Witwiski, a Wharton resident. A third coach â Bellville Athletic Director Raymond Chancellor â was also in the vehicle. All were reportedly at the Wharton game on a scouting mission and apparently left the stands to spend halftime in the vehicle. Police said no charges have yet been filed against any of the other three coaches, all of whom have provided statements. Rice Consolidated and Bellville school officials told the Journal-Spectator that Roark has been suspended for two weeks. (see story, Page A4). Police credited Wharton resident Elmer Cavender with alerting Officer Whitlock to the Suburban, which was parked in the visitors side parking lot at Fridayâs game. Cavender, a former police officer who now works as a freelance photographer, also provided police with the vehicleâs license plate number. âAny time any type of criminal activity is seen by any citizen, we always appreciate their bringing it to our attention,â said Detective Ross Gonzales, lead investigator on the case. Cavender told the Journal-Spectator that he notified Whitlock of the vehicle after seeing beer cans outside the driverâs side door. âIt was nothing much on my part,â Cavender said. âI decided to check the parking lot because there had been a lot of problems in the past with drinking (out there).â Whitlock was working uniformed security at the game. After being informed by Cavender, he walked over to the Suburban, which had its engine running and its lights on. About half a dozen Bud Light and Lone Star Light cans were laying on the ground below the driverâs door. Whitlock approached the driverâs side door, which had its window down, and asked the driver if the beer cans were his. The driver â whom police identified as Roark â said the cans came from a red truck parked in the next space. Whitlock became suspicious, however, after noticing the driver allegedly had slurred speech and bloodshot eyes. Whitlock says he asked the driver to exit the vehicle. There was no response. Whitlock asked a second time. Again, the driver failed to comply. âAt that point, I knew we were fixing to have a problem,â Whitlock said. That problem came immediately as the driver rolled up the window, threw the Suburban into gear and began moving out of the parking space. Startled, Whitlock jumped aboard, his feet landing on the running board and his left hand grasping the railing on the roof. With his right hand, Whitlock began swinging his flashlight into the vehicleâs window, trying to break it out. He hit it three times, but it didnât shatter. All the while, Whitlock continually ordered the driver to stop. Cavender, who had followed Whitlock from a distance, says he could hear those orders. âHe was hollering, âStop! Stop! Police!â,â Cavender said. That didnât happen. Instead, the vehicle sped up. Cavender said the wheels were spinning and the Suburban began fishtailing. The vehicle turned right and headed down an alley formed by the parked cars. The driverâs side â where Whitlock was still hanging on â began veering close to the parked cars. Whitlock, concerned he was about to be rammed into the cars, jumped free from the running board. He landed facedown on the ground. âI realized those vehicles were coming closer and we were moving over,â he said. The Suburban headed out of the parking lot and turned east on Boling Highway, driving toward Boling. Whitlock returned to his crime scene investigation van and began pursuit. Officer Don Falks, also in the area, joined the chase. But the vehicle was gone. Using the license plate number provided by Cavender, police investigators traced the Suburban to Rice Consolidated. Whitlock then identified Roark as the driver after looking at pictures in a school yearbook. Detective Gonzales awoke District Judge Daniel Sklar late Friday to get an arrest warrant. Colorado County law enforcement officials later Friday went to Roarkâs home in Garwood. The coach was taken into custody when he arrived. Police said the two felony charges against the coach carry a possible punishment of between five and 99 years in prison. Whitlock said the entire incident was shocking â and should have been unavoidable. âI was surprised,â he said. âBeing coaches, they should have known better. âWe went from a class C ticket to a first degree felony.â DS
Our father. Who art at Fenway. Baseball be thy game. Thy kingdom come. World series won. On earth as it is in the Cask n' Flagon. Give us this day. Oh Petey Martinez. And forgive us our losses as we forgive those, Like young Billy Buckner. And lead us not into depression. But deliver us from the curse. Amen.
Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up. However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'" "It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten." ********************************************* The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment. ******************************** "President Bush spoke to the United Nation last week and many of its members accused him of unilateralism. President Bush was angry when he heard this and even angrier when he found out what it meant." --Unknown ****************************** A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the boy what he had. The boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The boy replied, "That ain't nothin'. You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle."
Dear Abby, I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love" for grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclosed a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm baby-sitting for his parents. They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward. Sign me, Tough Love Grandma
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?" "I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?" With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?" "I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?" Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time. He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "I know, you're the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the fuck do you want?" "Driver's license and registration please."
A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up > > to > > the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really > > rather find > > a job." > > > > The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing! We just > > got > > a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for > > > his > > nymphomaniac daughter. > > > You'll have to drive around in a big black > > Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of > > the long hours > > on this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be > > required to > > escort this young lady on her overseas holiday trips. > > > The salary is $200,000 a year." > > > > The young man said, "You're bullshitting me." > > > > The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it."