abishiai, This is funny. Now, to make it more real and iminent, can you work the French version? That's how things are currently going in Europe, right? PS. Polish may be next, and then, ultimately, Russian...
How to stay awake in meetings, etc. Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that. 1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks. 2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block: * synergy * strategic fit * core competencies * best practice * bottom line * revisit * expeditious * to tell you the truth (or "the truth is") * 24/7 * out of the loop * benchmark * value-added * proactive * win-win * think outside the box * fast track * result-driven * empower (or empowerment) * knowledge base * at the end of the day * touch base * mindset * client focus(ed) * paradigm * game plan * leverage 3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words or phrases. 4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!" 5. Having lined up another job, just in case, always helps you deliver the final message very decisively!
A Real Man's Chain Letter: This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine has already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model. You can! be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the bottom of the list below! Bill Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Billy Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Billie Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 B. Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 William Jefferson Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Jefferson Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Jeff Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. J. Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 William J Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Wilhelm Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Willie Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Will Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Mr. Hillary Clinton 780 3rd Av! e New York, NY 10017 Mr. Slick Willie Clinton 780 3rd Ave New York,NY 10017
... THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN (by Dave Barry) 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. - - and NEVER take Nytol unless you are where you'll want to be in 12 hours. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you rarely want you to share yours with them. 5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 7. Never lick a steak knife. Dental picks make lousy back scratchers. That's why they call them dental picks. 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 14. Your friends love you anyway. 15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: a lone amateur built the Ark; A large group of professionals built the Titanic. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries......but, now we know. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ...you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay.... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.. If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her.... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you.... she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore. Men die first because they want to.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a nut!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'nut' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an "asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'nut' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a nut!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window ...so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW nut, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're a nut." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now when I had a problem, I had two nuts to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be, so I came up with an idea. I called Nut #1. "Hello." "You're an nut (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, of a nut." Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are . . ." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your butt" he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, nut, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. There I saw two nuts beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. NOW, I feel better.
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan...what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message. Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!) I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan: 1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those 'good ole boys.' We will never "interfere" again. 2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station our troops at all US borders. No more will anyone sneak through holes in the fence. 3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported to France immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France should welcome them. 4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers who won't speak English. 5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, or they get a "D" and it's back home baby!..Never to Return. 6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for awhile. 7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up their storage sites would be enough.) 8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides...most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything. 9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place.! We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. By the way: "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'''
Oh how true. 1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. 2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 3. Toys multiply to fill any space available. 4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive. 7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. 8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. 9. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom. 10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent...sometimes.