Old Musical Hits revamped for Today For those who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news! Some of our favorite artists have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate us, their aging audience... Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker" The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip" The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made For Bunions" The Beatles - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends" Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts" Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair" Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now" Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" ABBA - "Denture Queen" Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver" Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face" Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom" Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
Wellington, New Zealand - An unidentified flying object (UFO) dumped a load of what looks and SMELLS like raw sewage all over a farmhouse near Takapu Valley this month. Civil Aviation Authorities said the "stuff" definitely did not come from a plane. A sample analysis was taken from the Poop splattered house and confirmed that it had no trace of the toilet chemicals that are always put in an aircraft toilet. The owner of the farmhouse, not believing the claims of the Civil Aviation Authorities, is taking a poop sample to a laboratory specializing in human feces for a second opinion. Since she spoke about the day that the UFO Pooped , there has been another report of mystery UFO poop droppings on another house north of the Victimized Farmer's house . Ducks and geese were mainly blamed. But that homeowner stated he didnât hear any planes and besides if it was a bird, it's a hell of a sick one. It was from one end of the house to the other.!!
A Priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the Priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing. At the same time the Priest heard rumors of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass. During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up. "Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean, either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up. "Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up.
TYPES OF MEN ONE WOULD MEET IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM# 1. EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, can't find hole, rips shorts. 2. SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not. 3. CROSS EYED: Looks into urinal on left, pissed into one in the center, flushes one on the right. 4. NOSY: Looks into next urinal to see how other guy is fixed. 5. TIMID: Can't urinate if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he has already used it, sneaks back later. 6. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink. 7. CLEVER: No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor. 8. WORRIED: Is not sure what he has been into lately, makes quick inspection. 9. FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal, tries to hit fly, never grows up. 10. ABSENT MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. 11. DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away. 12. SNEAK: Farts silently while leaking, acts innocent, knows man in the next stall will be blamed. 13. CHILDISH: Leaks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. 14. PATIENT: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reads newspaper with free hand. 15. DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. 16. EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both jobs. 17. TOUGH: Bangs dick up against side of urinal to dry it. 18. FAT: Has to back up and take long blind shot at urinal, misses, pisses on shoes. 19. LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns. 20. DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY PLUMBERS MAKE SO MUCH MONEY? THE FOLLOWING WAS FOUND AT A CONSTRUCTION SITE ------------------------------ 1. ALL PIPE IS TO BE MADE OF A LONG HOLE, SURROUNDED BY METAL CENTERED AROUND THE HOLE. 2. ALL PIPE IS TO BE HOLLOW THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE LENGTH. 3. ALL PIPE IS TO BE THE VERY BEST QUALITY, PREFERABLY TUBULAR AND PIPEULAR. 4. ALL ACID-PROOF PIPE IS TO BE MADE OF ACID-PROOF METAL. 5. O.D.(OUTSIDE DIAMETER) OF ALL PIPE MUST EXCEED THE I.D. (INSIDE DIAMETER), OTHERWISE THE HOLE WILL BE ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE PIPE. 6. ALL PIPE IS TO BE SUPPLIED WITH NOTHING IN THE HOLE SO THAT WATER, STEAM, OR OTHER STUFF CAN BE PUT INSIDE AT A LATER DATE. 7. ALL PIPE IS TO BE SUPPILED WITHOUT RUST, AS THIS CAN BE MORE READILY PUT ON AT THE JOB SITE. 8. ALL PIPE IS TO BE CLEANED FREE OF COVERING SUCH AS MUD, TAR, BARNACLES OR ANY FORM OF MANURE BEFORE INSTALLING, OTHERWISE IT WILL MAKE LUMPS UNDER THE PAINT. 9. ALL PIPE OVER 500 FEET IN LENGTH MUST HAVE THE WORDS "L-O-N-G P-I-P-E" CLEARLY PAINTED ON EACH END SO THAT THE ENGINEER WILL KNOW IT IS A LONG PIPE. PIPE OVER TWO MILES IN LENGTH MUST ALSO HAVE THESE WORDS PAINTED ON THE MIDDLE SO THAT THE ENGINEER WILL NOT HAVE TO WALK THE FULL LENGTH OF THE PIPE TO DETERMINE IF IT IS A LONG PIPE OR NOT. 10. ALL PIPE OVER SIX INCHES IN DIAMETER IS TO HAVE THE WORDS "L-A-R-G-E P-I-P-E" CLEARLY PAINTED ON IT, SO THAT THE ENGINEER WILL NOT USE IT FOR SMALL PIPE. 11. ALL PIPE FITTINGS ARE TO BE MADE OF THE SAME STUFF AS THE PIPE. 12. ALL PIPE CLOSERS ARE TO BE OPEN ON ONE END. 13. NO FITTINGS ARE TO BE PUT ON PIPE UNLESS SPECIFIED. IF YOU DO, STRAIGHT PIPE BECOMES CROOKED PIPE. ******************************
A guy goes into a hardware store and asks the pretty young thing behind the counter for a file. She asks, "What kind of file would you like?" To which he replies, Oh, give me one of them bastards down on the shelf." The girl, being naive about hardware, turns red and starts calling for the manager. The manager explains to her that a "bastard" is really a type of file. Embarassed, the girl returns to the customer and gives him his file. Next day, another man comes into the store and asks the girl for a file. She looks at him straight in the eye and says, "Would you like one of these bastards down here?" "No," replied the man, " just give me one of those motherfuckers up there!"
* The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the -- to the back! * We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. * I'm going to be a vice president very much like George Bush was. He proved to be a very effective vice president, perhaps the most effective we've had in a couple of hundred years. * It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. * We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe. * I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix * Add one little bit on the end... Think of 'potato,' how's it spelled? You're right phonetically, but what else...? There ya go...alright! -- Vice President Dan Quayle correcting a student's correct spelling of the word "potatoe" during a spelling bee at an elementary school in Trenton. * I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card. But as Mark Twain once said, "You should never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, actually quoting from President Andrew Jackson. * For NASA, space is still a high priority. * Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement.' Not so. No one was fooled. * People are not homeless if they're sleeping in the streets of their own hometowns. * Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It's the other way around. They never vote for us. * Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement. * I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. * One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. LMAO. This guy was before my time, but guys like rs7 must had a field day with this clown. I wonder how AAA handled it...
Q: What's the difference between Saddam's palace and rapper's house? A: You know you'll find weapons in rapper's house.