A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...... I'm a gynecologist." At which point, the proctologist fainted.
A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is sticking out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby" She turns to her husband and says..... "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself" He thinks about it for a bit and then says "Well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." (Actually, this is an easy way for a man to commit suicide...)
A proctologist claims that these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" 6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong" What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,along with a recipe. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!" What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Was at a meeting last night where Kenneth Tower, Chief Market Strategist for CyberTrader spoke, funny individual and he cracked a joke. What's the difference between a Bond and a Bond Trader? Answer: Bonds mature! Have a good day all. Bsulli
OLD MAN AND YOUNG MAN > An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old-timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. " I was just wondering if you were my son " :eek:
aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. amzanig huh?