A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.
This past Christmas, with the servants on vacation, I had to rush around trying to get some last minute holiday shopping done. It was cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading up the "boot" of my brand new Rolls-Royce when I heard a quiet sobbing coming from the walkway by the mall entrance. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was wearing just a flannel shirt to protect him from the chill. "He's going to catch a bad cold." I thought as I pulled my $3,000 custom made lambswool cashmere top coat a little tighter. There was an angry red welt freshly growing above one of his eyebrows. Oddly enough, the boy was holding a ten-dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what had happened. He told me his sad story. He said that he had three brothers and a sister and his mother worked two full time jobs. She made very little money to support her family, but nevertheless, she had managed to save fifty dollars to buy her children some Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother on her way to work. He was to use the fifty dollars to buy the presents for his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall when an older boy jumped him, put the welt above his eye in the process and then grabbed at the money, escaping with forty dollars. "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. "I did." said the boy. "And nobody came to help you?" I queried. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I then realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed the remaining ten-dollar bill and ran to my car. Signed, Kenneth Lay, Enron CEO
A big, tall Texan was eating dinner at an expensive local restaurant after a long day of sightseeing and tequila- sipping in Mexico City. He noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the table next to his. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, señor, you have excellent taste. Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!" The Texan, although momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation. Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called the waiter over and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied sadly, "Si, señor, but, you see, sometimes the bull wins."
Texan jokes are always good, so here is another: Subject: Texas Baby A Texan buys a round of drinks for all the folks in a bar after announcing that his wife has just produced a "typical" Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations are showered upon him from all around, and exclamations of "WOW!" fill the air. A woman faints nearby from sympathy pains. Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender asks, "Say, aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?" "Yep, that's me," replies the Texan. "Well, how much does he weigh now?" "Seventeen pounds," answers the proud father. "Seventeen pounds?" says the puzzled bartender. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his mouth on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and with his southern accent and deep voice says, "Had him circumcised." DS PS-this was sent to me by an 87 year old lady my wife and I met on a cruise. She usually sends raunchier ones.
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear husband, you, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. So don't wait up."
Every "hormone hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or male child. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up? SAFER: Could we be over-reacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
A: Give him an enema and you can bury him in a shoebox! [/B][/QUOTE] I'm born and raised in Texas and this statement is true of alot the folks I grew up with!. rofl, this was a good Pete. Bsulli
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little ! boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. and find his Daddy in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, with everyone at the breakfast table, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." :eek:
THE THREE GOSPEL TRUTHS 1) Jews do not recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah. 2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3) Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.