Q: How do you tickle a rich girl? A: Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!" Troubled Hollywood star MELANIE GRIFFITH has been bann from getting any more plastic surgery by worried husband ANTONIO BANDERAS. What scared Banderas the most was Griffith seeking plastic surgery tips from Michael Jackson. When they say "instant credit," don't they actually mean "instant debt"? For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble. I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe somebody can adopt you. Q: What was the convenience store clerk's reaction when Satan came in and asked for a lemon lime drink? A: He gave the Devil his Dew. Grocery clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers. Martha Stewart's recipe for chicken casserole is boil the chicken in water then Dump The Stock.
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors" "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side affects?" "Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I also get a headache !"
A geezer sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift,and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired." The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid." The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. He's never done any of that stuff ... "
A pretty woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "You remember that woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
Lone Ranger and Tonto are in a bar. Cowboy comes in and says "Who owns the big white horse tied up outside?" Lone Ranger says "That's my horse, Silver!" Cowboy replies "Well, it's laying on the ground, passed out from the heat." Lone Ranger and Tonto go outside, get Silver up and give him some water. Lone Ranger says "Tonto, it's too hot out here and there is no breeze. I need you to run around Silver for a while to stir up a breeze and get him cooled off." Later, back in the bar, another cowboy comes in and says "Who owns that big white horse outside?" Lone Ranger replies "That's my horse, Silver! What's wrong now?" The cowboy says "Oh, the horse is okay, but you left your injun running!"
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers: Sooflay ...........the restaurateur Guday..............the half-Australian brother Huray..............the sports fanatic Sashay.............the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay....the twins from the African mother Sayhay.............the baseball player Ojay...............the stalker/murderer Gulay..............the singer/entertainer Ebay...............the internet czar Biliray............the country music star Ecksray............the radiologist Puray..............the blender factory owner Regay..............the half-Jamaican brother Tupay..............the one with bad hair Among the sisters: Lattay.............the coffee shop owner Bufay..............the 300-pound sister Dushay.............the clean sister Phayray............the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway...........the grocery store owner Ollay..............the half-mexican sister Gudlay.............the prostitute Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.