A Jewish gal tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Roshashanna. The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you light the 8 candles?" "No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hanukkah." The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?" "No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover. Roshashanna is the holiday when we blow the shofar." "See," the Catholic girl replies. "That's what I like about you Jews...you're so good to your help."
A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they were trying to change airlines! Remember, things aren't always as they appear!
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one... A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon."He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car...
1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? 2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 4. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 5. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 6. Why is a boxing ring square? 7 .Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of coffin? 8. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? 9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? 10. Why is it that to stop Windows 2000, you have to click on "Start"? 11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? 12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? 13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? 15 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 16. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 17. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? 18. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? 19. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? 20. What do chickens think we taste like? 21. What do you call a male ladybug? 22. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? 23. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 24. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? 25. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freeedom fighter fight? 26. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil? 27. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? 28. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? 29. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 30. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? 31. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Look at the expression on "April's" face..... (Apologies, Quality is not the best as I had to take the "quality factor" down to 20% to make it fit).
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. He who laughs last thinks slowest. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check with 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. There are two rules for ultimate success in life.#1. Never divulge everything you know. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. 24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case ... Coincidence? Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. If God dropped acid, would he see people? Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. She's fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. She was considered to be a very liberal Democrat, but her father was a staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to high taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA, but it was really tough. She had to study all the time and never had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. On top of that, the part-time job her father insisted she keep left absolutely no time for anything else. He asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, but was very popular on campus, didn't have a job, and went to all the parties. Mary was always complaining about not having any money, but didn't want to work. Why, she often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over. Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's Office and request that 1.0 be taken off her 4.0 and give it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a respectable 3.0 GPA. Then, she could also give her friend half the money she'd earned from her job so that her friend would no longer be broke. The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair. I worked really hard for my grades and money, and Mary just loafs. Why should her laziness and irresponsibility be rewarded with half of what I've worked for?" The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."