An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
Things You Can Only Say at Thanksgiving: 1. Talk about a huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. It's Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 5. Whew, that's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen! 19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
A Mongolian sheep herder went out with his dog and his sheep to let them graze, in the distance he spots a Jeep Grand Cherokee coming his way. Confused, he approaches the Jeep and sees a man get out and start punching numbers in a calculator while writing frantically. The sheep herder asks, "What are you doing?" The man replies, "I bet you a sheep that I can calculate how many you have out grazing" Now the sheep were many, in the 100's and the herder doubted it and agreed to the wager. The man continues to crunch numbers feverishly and finally announces his calculation. "312" the man exclaims. The sheep herder, awestruck that he is correct, signals for the man to take a sheep, the man does and starts on his way but the herder stops him and says, "If I can guess your occupation, you must give it back" the man agrees and the herder says, "You are a consultant" The man, dumbfounded replies, "How the hell did you know?" The herder says, "Well, first of all, nobody called you and you came, second of all, thats not a sheep, thats a dog!!!!!!!!!
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? 2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick. 3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 4. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. "Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead? 5. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 6. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling? 7. The radio ad: "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake 8. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy? 9. When something is "new and improved." Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.
A guy is not getting along with his wife, and is lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to find a companion. He spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez. I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, well I wrap my little pecker around this wooden bar, it's like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers." The guy is amazed and looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer." The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman." "What?" says the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? "What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the parrot. "I GOT A HARD-ON AND FELL OFF MY PERCH!!"
All these awesome jokes got me thinking of a dream I had last night, it was so weird, I dreamt about mufflers and..... when I woke up this morning...........I was exhausted!!!!!!
the dream I had the other night was even weirder, it was about rims, and when I woke up the next morning............... I was tired!
Sorry about that Chief. Trying again: He laid her on the table, So white, clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast, And then, drooling, felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide...he looked inside, All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms, And then .......... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .....he stuffed the turkey! May I be the first to wish you Happy Thanksgiving!!! What were you thinking??? Shame on you!!!!!