Dedicated to those who went through the great blackout: If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobol DS
9. Bugs go well with a nice Shiraz or marinated in a vintage tequila. It may not fix the blasted computer, but after a few bottles, they'll certainly not be bothering you anymore! 8. If you receive a kernel.dll error, place affected kernel in corn oil and cook until all popping sounds have stopped. 7. Toss chips with spaghetti-wires, saute until logic fails. 6. Show the computer canned SPAM. Explain this is what happened to a pig with a glitch. The computer should straighten right up. 5. Some problems are a result of the computer overheating. Keep a few frosted memory chips and cards in the freezer for those warm days. 4. Stuff in the oven and bake at 450 degree for 30 minutes. For higher altitudes, reduce free memory by 500 MB and allow ten extra minutes. 3. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place computer on a Silpat- lined jelly roll pan. Bake about 20 minutes, or until the DVD- ROM drawer pops open and the computer waves a tiny little white hotpad, indicating it's now willing to comply. Remove from the oven, being careful not to burn yourself on the molten plastic. Cool to room temperature. Call customer support for shipping instructions. 2. Crack open case with one sharp blow and flip the memory from one half to the other, allowing the RAM to fall into your mixing bowl while keeping the ROM in the shell. ... and the #1 Kitchen Fix for Computer Glitches ... 1. Cook at 11111010 degrees for 101101 minutes, or until golden brown.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. 2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals." 3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." 4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. 6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. 7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. 8. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help. 9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. 13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." 14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. 21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. 22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Einstein was required to fill up an application form when applying for his full professor job. Name: I know Address: Home Father's Name: Dad Mother's Name: Mum Qualifications: You know Position Applied For: Don't know Publications: Everyone knows Finally, he reluctantly accepted the appointment offered.
How many of us would know and have already observed that: Not only a Chit Chat thread doesn't have to be started in the Chit Chat forum, But also a Chit Chat thread can start in a non- Chit Chat forum and actively state there without its participants' notice ?
Sometimes people think all car salesmen are not honest. It was once a car salesman, while pointing a very old and cheap second car, says to a potential customer, " Look at the price! This car won't last."
> Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now > dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the > world go by from her front porch with her cat named Bob, her only > companion. > > One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. > Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all > these years? > > The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary > life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart > still yearns?" > > Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful > consideration, and almost under her breath, she uttered her first > wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." > > Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella > was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and > scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. > > Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother." > > The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your > heart want for your second wish?" > > Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were > young and full of the beauty of youth again". > > At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage > returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant > for years. A long-forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through > her veins. > > The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "You have one more wish, what shall > you have?" > > Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I > wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome > young man." > > Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his > biological make-up that, when complete, he stood before her, a man so > beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen. > > The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy > your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, > she was gone. > > For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's > eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly > perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who > sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young > muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his > warm breath as he whispered: >> "Bet you're sorry you neutered me now."