Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self." About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the O'Malley twins are drunk again."
A Guy walks into a store and tells the guy behind the counter, " give me 5lbs of kielbasa" The guy behind the counter nods and says, "you must be Polish huh?" The guy says, " yeah , I am Polish, but I take offense to that" He starts to get agitated and looks around the store and says " Do you assume that black guy over there is going to order ribs?" "Do you assume the Italian guy is going to order Italian sausage?' The Guy behind the counter nods his head NO So the polish guy says " then why the hell would you assume I'm Polish just because I ask for some Kielbasa?!" The guy behind the counter leans forward and says " because this is a hardware store!"
TM, That's funny. I wonder what "Predjudism" means - sounds like "prejudice" but no, not quite... can't be... can it??? Where are you from, again? (just kidding)
A woman walks into the welfare office in Baton Rouge, trailed by 15 kids. "Wow," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS?" "Yes, they're all mine," the tired momma sighs, having heard the question a thousand times before. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all their names." "This one is my oldest -- he's Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Wel, this one's Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow, but continues. One by one through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy! "All right... I'm seeing a patern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" "Well, yes -- it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkling her fore head, she says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's easy," says the mother, "Then I call them by their last names."
I don't remember if this one has been posted or not, and am too lazy to page back through looking... Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have teir car break-down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the parking lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. Cheer, kp
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love", he wrote, "We are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?" In response, his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said,"I can't wait to make mad, passionate love to you!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."
Michael Jackson and his wife had just given birth to a baby boy and whacko jacko was very excited about his birth, his wife had a long pregnancy and asked the doctor- so, can we have sex now? the doctor looked at michael increduously and said- "Shit, Mike, at least wait until he's walking!!"
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: 1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. 18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--hole. (Again, extra credit)