http://www.e-minitraders.com/misc/USMC_ANSWERING_MACHINE.wav Some of ya'll may have heard this but thought I would post it anyway.
It's bad enough everyone looks only at my nose said Jackson in a recent interview so obviously the problem was my surgeon. My new surgeon suggested a change that will stops all of the stares.
Judge: I know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
Actual quotes taken from performance evaluations: "Since my last report, this employee has reached absolute rock-bottom and has started to dig." "I would not allow her to breed." "This employee is not so much of a has-been, but a definite won't be." "Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." "She doesn't have ulcers, but she's a carrier." "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." "He's been working with glue too much." "She would argue with a signpost." "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." "When her IQ reaches 50, she should sell." "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." "She has a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection." "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." "She's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." "If you give her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change." "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." "One neuron short of a synapse." "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; she only gargled." "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
An older man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. He is about to receive the anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
The Military History of France Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates the First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. The Dutch War: Tied. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux. War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.