"I bumped into Gerald Ford the other day. I said, 'Pardon me.' He said, 'I don't do that anymore.'" Bob Hope Rest in peace, Mr. Hope.
If you thought employment outsourcing overseas was bad, wait till you see this.... http://www.newtechusa.com/PPI/main.asp
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'4" used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. Bsulli
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" ________________________________________________ Spotted Owl Lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl and it attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examination room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded "what took you so long?" And he replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, > | he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate > | chip cookies wafting up the stairs. > | > | He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself > | from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made > | his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater > | effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the > | railing with both hands. With labored breath, he > | leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. > | Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought > | himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon > | newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds > | of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? > | Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted > | wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? > | > | Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself > | toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled > | posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste > | of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly > | bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, > | shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the > | table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by > | his wife. > | > | "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the > | funeral." _____________________________________________ It's all in your point of view! A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Supposely This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) - and made the web department take it down immediately. (In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft). Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ...................................................... Initial: ........ Last Name: ...................................................... Password: .............................. (max 8 char) Code Name: ...................................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... .......... 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19...... / ....... /........ 4. Serial Number: ................................................. 5. Please check where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalog showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / maneuverability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: [_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Central / South America [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply [_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / disinformation [_] Destabilization / overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division
Two guys sitting in a bar Guy 1-You look like hell! What happened? Guy 2-it was my wife.I got drunk and came in late and she kicked my ass. I was sooo careful.I turned off the headlights and car engine and coasted into the driveway.I very carefully took off my shoes and tiptoed up the steps. I moved the cat aside and eased the door open,got undressed at the bottom of the stairs. I made sure to skip the squeeky step on my way up the stairs.I even peed in the sink so she wouldn't hear the splash. I eased into bed ,but damn as soon as my head hit the pillow ,she was up and screaming. YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT !!!WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN TIL THIS HOUR???YOU'RE A DISCRACE..A WORTHLESS DRUNKEN TURD!! And the beat the hell outta me. Guy 2- Pal you got it all wrong.You gotta do what I do. Why just last Friday I went out with the guys and got totally shitfaced. When it was time to leave I hopped in the car and drove.When I turned on to my street I burned rubber and leaned on the horn. The radio was blasting "Radar Love" as I skidded across the lawn and hit the trash cans. I left the car running, kicked the stinking cat into the bushes and thru open the front door. I flipped on every light in the house and stomped up the stairs. When I pissed I flushed three times and stripped naked. I kicked open the bedroom door and turned on the ligt and yelled,"WHO WANTS TO GET LAID??C'MON GIMME SOME!! Guy 1- My god what happened? Guy 2- All I heard was snoring.