Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess." "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you." Good lucking and good trading! Bsulli
Bubba walks into the local law office. He says to the lawyer " I want to hire y'all" The lawyer asks "what for?" Bubba says, "well they sued McDonalds for making us fat?" "Yes." says the lawyer. "And they sued Marlboro for giving us cancer?" Bubba asks. The lawyer says, "yes again." "Well I wanna sue Budwiser for making me wake up with ugly women!"
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?
Not necessarily... I'm sure if I spoke to the Supreme Council of Men they might make an exception for you, Natalie...
click on the link below www.google.com then type in : WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION Then click " Im Feeling lucky" read the whole message!!
Oil Change instructions for Women: 1)Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2)Drink a cup of coffee. 3)15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. >>>>> Money spent: Oil Change: $25.00 Coffee: Free to customers Total $25.00 ................................................................. Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oilfilter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas. 29)Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August(2002)in the left boob. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Call loving wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts $50.00 >DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right, and, after all, quality costs a bit extra...
A guy saved his money for years, then bought a brand new Mercedes SLK convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through his hair, and having the time of his life. So much so, he floored it some more and got up to 90mph. Then, in his rearview mirror, he sees a high patrol car behind him, lights flashing and siren wailing. "I can lose him" the guy thought, and floored it up to 100 mph. Then he thought, "Wait. I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the inevitable. The highway patrolman got out of his car and walked up to the Mercedes. "Sir, he said, looking at his watch, "my shift ends in 30 minutes and I'm really tired. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The guy looks at the trooper and says, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a highway trooper and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Have a nice day."