Can you believe it? 1 - Andy Rooney on Vegetarians "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'" ================================ 2 - Andy Rooney On Prisoners: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house.each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. ================================ 3- Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. ================================ 4- Andy Rooney On Morning Differences : Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. ============================= 5- Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood." ============================== 6- Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? ============================== 7- Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. ============================== 8- Andy Rooney On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love." =================================================== 9-Andy Rooney on Research Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections ... who can't remember what to do with them.
I'm not sure if this quote was actually intended as a joke, but I found it quite hillarious. The quote is from Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf, commenting on a traditional Islamic suicide bombing at a shiite mosque in Quetta, which killed 48 people: <b>"these pervert elements were not only damaging Pakistan but also tarnishing the fair name of Islam which is a religion of peace, harmony and tolerance". </b> http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tm.../wl_sthasia_afp/pakistan_attacks_030705050231
This is a recently released clip of a discussion between Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein after Bill threatened to do much the same as G.Bush II: http://www.eng.buffalo.edu/~hulme/Graphics/lebowski/this_aggression.mp3
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with > >her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy > >middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not > take her > >eyes off him. > > > >The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked > >directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her > >apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll > >do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter > >how kinky, for $20.00.......on one! condition." (There are always > conditions) > > > >Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. > >The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just > >three words," (controlling huh)? > > > >The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed > >a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along > >with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and > >meaningfully, > >said....* "Clean my house."
These useful quotes are from actual federal employee performance evaluations: 1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this employee to breed. 3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't-be. 4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. 6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. 11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier. 14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime. 15. He has been working with glue too much. 16. He would argue with a signpost. 17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room. 18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. 19. If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one. 20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. 22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming. 24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week. 26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change. 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 29. One neuron short of a synapse. 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes. 32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. "What for?" he asks. She says, "I want to kill my husband." He says, "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag, pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and hands it to him. He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription ..." J
A TEENAGER WALKS INTO A PHARMACY , BUYS SOME OLD SPICE COLOGNE, SOME BREATH MINTS AND SHEEPISHLY ASKS THE PHARMACIST BEHIND THE COUNTER FOR A 10 PACK OF TROJANS...THE PHARMACIST LOOKS DOWN AT ALL THE STUFF AND SMILES APPROVINGLY TO THE LAD AND WHISHES HIM LUCK ON HIS BIG NIGHT... THE TEENAGER GOES TO HIS GIRLFREIND'S HOUSE AND THEY SIT DOWN TO A FAMILY DINNER BEFORE THEY GO TO THE MOVIE...THE MOM ASKS EVERYONE TO BOW THEIR HEADS AND SAY A BLESSING...AFTER FIVE MINUTES, THE TEENAGER SILLl HASN'T RAISED HIS HEAD AND STILL HAS HIS EYES CLOSED TIGHT DEEP IN PRAYER....HIS GIRLFREIND, VERY IMPRESSED, LEANS OVER AND SAYS " I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE SO RELIGIOUS"...WITH THEAT THE TEENAGER WHISPERS BACK " I HAD NO IDEA YOUR DAD WAS A PHARMACIST!!!!"