Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 100 times."
I am better than your kids http://maddox.xmission.com/irule.html More crappy children's art work http://maddox.xmission.com/irule2.html
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Some of his more thoughtful words: 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. 8. There are three kinds of men: (a.) The ones that learn by reading. (b.) The few who learn by observation. (c.) The rest of them that have to pee on the electric fence. 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. 12. AND FINALLY ... After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. ... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ON GROWING OLDER............ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
> > > Subject: The Dog > > > > > A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Levittown: "Talking Dog for > > > Sale." > > > > > > He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. > > > > > > The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. > > > > > > "You talk?" he asks. > > > > > > "Sure do." the dog replies. > > > > > > "So, what's your story?" > > > > > > The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty > > > young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my > > > gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, > > > sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a > > > dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight > > > years running." > > > > > > "The jetting around really tired me out eventually, and I knew I wasn't > > > getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a > > > job at the airport > > > to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious > > > characters and listening in." > > > > > > "I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of > > > medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." > > > > > > The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for > > > the dog. > > > > > > The owner says, "Ten dollars." > > > > > > The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so > > > cheap?" > > > > > > "Cause he's a liar. He's never done any of that stuff" > > > > >
is this mr.market's website? I couldn't find the page where he compares his benchpress ability to kids.
Subject: This just in to the news desk A teacher has been arrested in Iraq in possession of compasses, protractor, straight edge and graphing calculators. It is claimed he is a member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Texas, Oklahoma, Iowa, Missouri, etc., those States' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines." In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following informational list will be handed to each driver entering the state: (1) That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. (2) It's called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Drive, or get it out of the way. (3) We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it. (4) Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped - by our women. (5) Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Just don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for - bait. (6) Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. (7) If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. (8) That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one DRINK. (9) No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. (10) If you bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. (11) So you have a $60,000 car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use just two weeks a year. (12) Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. (13) Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp too, and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop. (14) They are called pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. If you don't like it - Interstates 70, 80 and 90 go two ways; and Interstates 29 and 35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly. (15) So every person in every pickup waves. It's called "being friendly". Understand the concept? (16) That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is Sir - no matter how old he is. Now enjoy your visit -- and then go home!
A very successful daytrader parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office on a busy street, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he started to get out, not checking for traffic, a monsterous tractor trailer passed by too close and completely ripped the Lexus's door clean off it's hinges; the force of the impact sending it and the front fender flying down the street 50 yards. The trader immediately grabbed his cell phone, cleared off his wireless brokerage application and dialed 911. Within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer got the chance to ask any questions, the trader started screaming hysterically about the truck snapping his door off. His brand new Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before and had to trade his ass off to buy, was now completely ruined; it would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the trader finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief... "I can't believe how materialistic you goddamn daytraders are..." he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you SAY such a thing?" asked the trader. "Look what happened to my beautiful new CAR!" The cop replied, "Don't you realize that your left arm is missing from the elbow down and that you're about to bleed to death? It must have been torn off when the truck clipped your door." "OH MY GOD!" screamed the trader, "WHERE"S MY ROLEX?"