80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, Good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't" said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?", persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?", asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Not too often do you find a truly clean joke, but here is one that hasn't > > >one dirty word in it. > > > > > >Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small > tree > > >begins to grow between them. > > >The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a > > >birch?" > > >The birch says he cannot tell. > > >Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. > > >The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that > is > > >a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" > > >The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. > > >He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, > > >however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe ll those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." DS
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct each problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the responses recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. PROBLEM: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. RESPONSE: Almost replaced left inside main tire. PROBLEM: Test flight OK, except "auto-land" very rough. RESPONSE: "Auto-land" not installed on this aircraft. PROBLEM: Something loose in cockpit. RESPONSE: Something tightened in cockpit. PROBLEM: Dead bugs on windshield. RESPONSE: Live bugs on back-order. PROBLEM: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. RESPONSE: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. PROBLEM: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. RESPONSE: Evidence removed. PROBLEM: DME volume unbelievably loud. RESPONSE: DME volume set to more believable level. PROBLEM: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. RESPONSE: That's what they're there for. PROBLEM: IFF inoperative. RESPONSE: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. PROBLEM: Suspected crack in windshield. RESPONSE: Suspect you're right. PROBLEM: Number 3 engine missing. RESPONSE: Engine found on right wing after brief search. PROBLEM: Aircraft handles funny. RESPONSE: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. PROBLEM: Target radar hums. RESPONSE: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. PROBLEM: Mouse in cockpit. RESPONSE::Cat installed.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of her species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed had little sense, but seemed to possess ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss the gorilla." "Second, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. Ed stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
Question: What is the true definition of Globalization? Answer: Let's look at what happened at Princess Diana's death. Reasoning: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by a Canadian, using the United States' Bill Gates' technology and you are probably reading this on one of the IBM Clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, Trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you....